Fman99

Cora .5 Stokes 1 Misch 1 Dessens 1

Oh baby, yeah, right there, oh, oh baby, uh, ugh, uh, Ah.

="OlerudOwned"] Teixeiria makes a really annoying face when he bats. Yes, I know I've reduced myself to the simple judgment of "I don't like his face." No, I don't even care. I described it to someone as the ejaculate face (as opposed to the "ejaculate in the face" face which is totally different). It's the face that a man makes, mid-coitus, except he's always got that look on his face.

Swan Swan H wrote: This is why I never go to this game (the Saturday home Subway Series game, that is), even though I have a ticket as part of the Saturday plan every year. A win, fine. A loss, burning hell. As I am writing this, I swear to you, I get a text from my daughter telling me she got in a fight in the ladies room with a drunk Yankee fan. She said the woman acted like she wanted to get physical until my daughter stepped up, and the Yankee fan backed off. My daughter is 5'3, about 110 pounds. Jayzus. The sight of Yankee fans in the Mets' ballpark, whether Shea or Citi, makes me nauseous. And, honestly, Mets fans acting like fools at Yankee Stadium doesn't thrill me either. I know Interleague play isn't going anywhere, but if it ended tomorrow I'd love it, and I'd say that if the Mets won six a year every year. And now I have to go to work, because some customer decided at 8:30 on a Saturday night that they needed something done at 11:00, and I'm on call, and I have to go do it. Good thing I don't drink. I agree with all of these points. Seeing the galoots cheering at our park sucks. It's an infestation.

My jammy often goes blauh and really, there's not much you can do about it.

I need a(nother) drink.

Elmer, give me back that beer.

Kate Hudson in attendance, laughing and having fun watching her boy toy hit meaningless homers. I'd still go all hog wild on her though. I don't even care.

A-Rod with the HR now that the lead is padded. Good stuff right there. Oh, Elmer. I loved you once.

Gwreck wrote: He's 6-7 and probably 330 lbs. How much do you think he'd have to weight to actually fill out that uniform? He looks like an understuffed sausage out there. Too much casing.

Are you fucking serious? Brett Gardner? FUCK.

CC wears the baggiest uniform. Looks like he's in his jammies up there.

Elmer Dessens, have yerself some beer. Nice pop up inducement with the based juiced.

Elmer gets the fly and Castillo uses both hands to catch the pop fly. And grinning the whole time.

Edgy DC wrote: ="Fman99"]="Swan Swan H"]Horrible choice. Got to send up a better hitter, lefty or not, in a situation like that. Seriously. As the tying run, that's the first guy off the bench? Pathetic. Send a lefty up for Chrissakes. Which one --- Martinez, Murphy, Reed, or Schneider? Mental error by Tatis. Murphy or Reed, really. I don't have a problem saving Fartinez to PH as a leadoff guy, and saving Schneider as the backup catcher. But Reed and Murphy have more ABs in the pros and just all around better game. Muffie has hit lefties in his career. If it's me that's who I send up.

Ugh. Bush league defense + Jerry unwisely leaving Misch in for another inning = nausea.

Yesterday it was "Meet the Mets" and I could not have been happier. Silence also would've worked, sure, but that was in short supply in between innings at Citi Field.

Swan Swan H wrote: Horrible choice. Got to send up a better hitter, lefty or not, in a situation like that. Seriously. As the tying run, that's the first guy off the bench? Pathetic. Send a lefty up for Chrissakes.

="Kong76"]I'm breaking out the Roger Clemens Thought it was the Ball Curse. Nine years since they've 'won' anything ... ninety-one more to go. Got Rings? (have to stop, I was just going to continue with something vulgarly over-the-top) Kase, don't suppress your inner Fman. Let it out, you'll live a fuller and happier life.

Santana 4.5 Feliciano .75 Rodriguez .75 Evans 2 Tatis 1 Castillo .5 FMartinez .25 Church .25

="themetfairy"]They have Nathan's knishes on the Promenade level (and I'm pretty sure at the Kosher stand on that level also) - When you diet the way I do, you get well acquainted with all of the food choices (especially those which have only 170 calories). It was great meeting you in person - thanks for stopping by Now I'm bummed. I just stopped at the first Promenade spot that we saw because I didn't want to miss the start of the game and there were no knishes at that specific one. I did not venture further in search of them. Ah well, I'll have to search that out next time I guess.

He's like Joe Jackson now, playing semi-pro ball in Hoboken in 1925 at the end of "Eight Men Out." Except he's still sucking.

="Edgy DC":2mnrijeq]Show some respect. Wang is Taiwanese.[/quote:2mnrijeq] Yeah, that's part of the bit. Sorry I don't know the MFYs as well as you Edgjeets DC soupcan Jun 26 2009 09:34 AM Hey.......I say 'dude' a lot. Awesome KTMFE. I nominate the entire post for 'Bullet of Cool'. Gwreck Jun 26 2009 09:43 AM I wanted to email this to a friend but had to slightly edit it from a "XXX" to just an "R" rating (!!). Still quite funny though. metirish Jun 26 2009 09:45 AM I am in stitches over here from the laughing.....that was hilarious....every word of it ..... ] Shortsop: You know him, he's the mah-tha-fah-gin Captain! Or the Craptain. Touted by broadcasters and print journalists as the greatest thing to hit baseball since, I don't know, the liveball era? Since Mickey Mantle's liver was life-sized? Since Dimaggio doinked Marilyn? Since Lou Gehrig was crapping his uniform pants? I can't decide. His power numbers are up from last year, big shocker there, but his range in the field is poor and he's hit into 53 double plays since the start of 2007. Which leads MLB. .308/9/30/.451/.828. You know he will dedicate this weekend to Jacko his fellow " black man who looks white but is actually black " like me. A Boy Named Seo Jun 26 2009 10:00 AM Entertaining as hell and informative. Bravo. themetfairy Jun 26 2009 10:54 AM Classic KTE Fman - thanks Hawkeye57 Jun 26 2009 11:03 AM Could not stop laughing through the entire post. Great work dude. Frayed Knot Jun 26 2009 11:24 AM btw, all three games will be at night, and both Saturday's and Sunday's games will be available to even those out-of-towners w/o MLB's EI package. Saturday will be picked up by MLB Network for national distribution and Sunday will be ESPN's game of the week: aka the Stevie, Joe & Jon show LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr Jun 26 2009 11:35 AM Blood on the keyboard, sir, blood on the muh-tha-fuh-gin keyboard. Would that Pelf brings the pain like "burnt onions mixed with train smoke" does. metsguyinmichigan Jun 26 2009 12:56 PM "Closer: You know him. Don't get in his pool, you'll die. " I had to stop at this point, stop drinking the Diet Coke, regain composure, clean up the mess, assure co-workers that all was well and then finish the post. The KTE from which all others shall be measured. Benjamin Grimm Jun 26 2009 01:03 PM We're not allowed to make fun of Mariano Rivera's pool, because he once painted a church. LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr Jun 26 2009 01:48 PM ="Benjamin Grimm":113fblg5]We're not allowed to make fun of Mariano Rivera's pool, because he once painted a church.[/quote:113fblg5] Wasn't he supposed to have retired, like 8 or 9 years ago? http://www.nytimes.com/1999/12/10/sports/baseball-love-of-god-outweighs-love-of-the-game.html Kong76 Jun 26 2009 02:00 PM I move that all references to Yanks in IGT's this weekend be followed by, "you know him." Camera shows Jorge sitting on the dugout bench with his finger in his upper dumbo ear. You post, Jorge, you know him, scratches out some smegma from his ear and looks like he's about to stick it in his mouth. AW, he must have known the camera was on him as he wipes it on his blouse. Gwreck Jun 26 2009 02:16 PM Apparently, today is you-know who's birthday. The day we celebrate being overrated and having no range. (Stole the joke from here: http://twitter.com/toeingtherubber/status/2348438797)

OK, we all know that every Mets opponent is the "enemy," in one sense of the word. And from a standings perspective, the Phillies and Marlins and Braves are the other teams whose losses help the Mets most. But let's be honest here. We're all friends, in a sense. We can talk to each other. We're a Mets family, as I explained to Fboy yesterday, and we should all have a commonality here in this instance. The MotherFuckingYankees are the MotherFuckingEnemy. The MFYs are the MFEs. In my head I say it the way Alan Rickman said "muthafucka" in his German accent as Hans Gruber in "Die Hard," trying to copy Bruce Willis' intonation. Like this, "mah-tha-fah-gah." The MFYs are the MFEs. If you're arguing that point, then I can't really help you. Even the Steve J Lazzeri's (no offense, Steve, my FB buddy and all) of the world, the two-hat-wearing, "I root for both teams but the Mets are my favorite team," the wafflers, the fence sitters, they are also beyond my help. So let's get to know the MFEs. Catcher: You know him, looks like that turtle, has a contract that makes Luis Castillo look like a dollar store castoff, older than fire. His stat line: .272, 9 HRs, 29 RBIs, SLG .510, OPS .869. Having a resurgent year at the dish thanks to the bandbox in the Bronx, which apparently is the same size as the kids tee ball field behind right center at Citi Field (the place where Fboy hit three frozen ropes yesterday I might add). First base: You know him, big goofy head. Signed a GDP sized deal, has a wife who made him sign it instead of going home to Baltimore. She may be a bit on the ****y side. Started off like dog shit in April, as his career numbers usually do, but killing the ball since. .286, 20, 57, .595, .983. Second base: You know him, named after a Rotunda I believe. Bounce back season for him after last year where he never found his stroke. Currently at .301/12/42/.488/.823. Shortsop: You know him, he's the mah-tha-fah-gin Captain! Or the Craptain. Touted by broadcasters and print journalists as the greatest thing to hit baseball since, I don't know, the liveball era? Since Mickey Mantle's liver was life-sized? Since Dimaggio doinked Marilyn? Since Lou Gehrig was crapping his uniform pants? I can't decide. His power numbers are up from last year, big shocker there, but his range in the field is poor and he's hit into 53 double plays since the start of 2007. Which leads MLB. .308/9/30/.451/.828. Third base: You know him. He's Tennille to the Craptain. Puts up pinball numbers and has since he was a teenager in Seattle. Missed some time in 2009 with an injury, confirmed doper, currently dorking Kate Hudson. And yes, for those wondering, I would do EVERYTHING to her. Tennille took some time off this week for fatigue (translate: David Ortiz stole his HGH and he's bumming), hitting for power when it matters least and floundering with guys on base. Good times! .223/10/34/.466/.845. Currently tied with historical MFE a-hole and bad airline guest Reggie Jackson on the all time HR list. Left field: You know him. Once a Red Sock, once an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Now another aging OF held up by playing in a Pop Warner sized stadium. Currently at .293/14/45/.534/.904. Probably the biggest beneficiary of the new stadium numbers-wise. Center field: You know them. Or maybe not, I will actually name these dorks. Gardner and Melky blahtoon. I have nothing clever to say about them. Gardner at .281/2/11/28 runs/16 SBs, and Melky at .286/7/28/.447/.793. Right field. You know of him. Nick Swisher, cast off White Sock, putting up Kingman-esque numbers when playing. .238/13/38/.493/.863. DH: You know him. Ugly Asian fellow. No, not THIS GUY. Can't field, got no knees. Probably will only see action as a pinch hitter this weekend. So his numbers are not relevant to me. I call it now, Feliciano strikes Lo-Pan out as a PH at least twice before Monday. Bullpen: Closer: You know him. Don't get in his pool, you'll die. He's older than Jorge's corns and he throws one pitch. That one pitch, in my mind, is a bloop single by Luis Gonzalez, endlessly falling into short center field. 1-2 record, 3.07 ERA, 17 saves, 1 blown. Same number blown as the Captain, HIYO! (RIP Ed McMahon.) 499 career saves, so get ready for the soft rain on this a-hole this weekend. Hopefully we can not have to listen to that monkey shit. Other relievers: You don't know them. They get changed out faster than hotel towels in Vegas. They all suck Putz. Pitching matchups: Friday: Pelfrey vs. MFE starter #1. You know him. Large, dark skinned fella. Looks like that guy in White Castle, eating by himself, talking to his little empire of tiny hamburgers. I assume his gas smells like burnt onions mixed with train smoke. Another guy who started the year off like hell but has recently gotten better. Currently at 6-4, 3.71, WHIP of 1.14, 70 K in 102 IPs. Left his last start against the Marlins in the 2nd inning due to bicep tightness but has said he's OK to go tonight. Hard to imagine any part of this tubby fuck's body being described as "tight" but there you have it. Sat Redding vs. MFE starter #2. You know him. Pitched for the Marlins and Blue Jays before signing a ridiculous $82 million deal this past winter. Or, as the MFEs call it, a "regular" sized contract. Sucking most wind so far in 2009 as "the new guy." I assume the other MFYs call him "Gay Jay." 5-4, 4.24, 1.44, 82 K in 81 IP. Coming off a 5 day suspension for throwing at a guy's head against Texas, which made Bob Gibson roll over in his grave. Sun Livan vs. MFE starter #3. You know him. Has a very, uh, phallic name. Not his fault, he's Asian! The Donger has some grotesque numbers in 2009 and was even sent to the You Suck List, er, I mean, the Disabled List due to overall shittiness. He's the Korean Ollie! 0-6, 11.20 ERA (not a typo), 2.27 WHIP. Coming off his best start of the year which is a putrid five inning, three run performance. Pulled after 62 pitches. His presence on the roster does lead to this little bit of goodness. Buy this shirt -- I personally think every MFE MFY fan should have to wear one at all times to identify them as what they really are. That's right, they are penises! Fman went there, girlfriend. Which brings me to my final point. The last of the MFEs are the MFY fans. You know them. The thugs. Galloots, if you will. Guys who say "Dude" a lot and eat pennies and have Pete Rose's haircut. If you go to Citi Field this weekend the chances are good you might sit near one. In which case you'll want to get a tetanus shot when you leave. They are the enemy we all already know. If you see one, remember to tell them that their new stadium sullies the legacy of everything that happened in their previous TWO parks and invalidates all of Ruth and Gehrig and Mantle and Dimag's numbers. Ha! Say hi to those Wang fans this weekend for the Fman, please. Prediction: You know it. I think the good guys take all 3 games and then for some reason, the MFEs all end up in a big man pile in left center field, a la the South Park episode "Goobacks," where the rednecks decide that they should form a big gay pile of gayness in order to prevent the future from happening.