KTE: Nationals, brought to you by screaming nitwits

[Fman99]

Hello, and welcome to Loudmouths! I'm Chris Carlin, and this is Adam Schein. You may know us as two bloated windbags who inexplicably have our own television show on the SNY network. I know what you're thinking; you'd rather listen to your own parents humping than the two of us dissecting the minutiae of your beloved 2011 New York Mets, but that's too damn bad for you.



That's right, Chris. We're going to do a new segment here on the Blowhards show called "Know Thy Enemy." This segment we'll be previewing the Mets upcoming weekend match up against the 2011 Washington Nationals, on the eve of a three game series in our nation's capital.

So, first up is the catcher's position, manned "ably" by a couple of bloated corpses with the names Wilson Ramos and Jesus Flores on their backs. Ramos has gotten the most playing time this year and is hitting to the tune of a .239 batting average, with 9 HRs and 33 ribbies. Flores was called up to back up Ramos due to a Pudge Rodriguez injury. You know, Chris, I prefer to be the "catcher" myself when engaging in man-play, if you know what I mean.



I sure do, Adam. You're a real hog-swiller. Which is cool. Let's talk about the first basemen's spot. This year's breakout player in DC has been Michael Morse, a long time minor leaguer who is finally had a chance to shine.



Just like your head, Chris!




That's right, fisty. He's batting a cool .312 with 17 HRs and 56 RBIs and has been an anchor for them in their lineup this year.



YOU'RE AN ANCHOR TO ME CARLIN YOU FUCKING TOADSTOOL.

OK, sorry, I'm off my meds today. At second base you've got hotshot rookie Danny Espinosa, having a surprising season at the dish. Despite a weak .234 batting average he's hit 17 HRs and 55 RBIs, to go along with 48 runs and 12 steals. He's also got dreamy eyes and he sends me cock pictures on Twitter.



Gross!

At the keystone the Nats trot out a more highly touted prospect, Ian Desmond, who's been more disappointing this year. Hitting just .225 with minimal power, aside from the 20 SBs he hasn't brought much to the table hitting wise.



You know, you bring a lot to the table, Chris. Like 380 lbs. worth.



OH NO YOU DI-INT ADAM!

See? We're loud mouthed, get it? Ugh, where's my gun?

OK, let's move on. At the third base spot you've got Ryan Zimmerman, who's batting at .251 with just 5 HRs and 19 RBIs. He's missed a decent chunk of 2011 due to injuries which has been a recurring theme for him in his career.

You know, a recurring theme for your career would be "plays the part of a obnoxious boor with back hair," Adam.




Fair enough, DJ Chunky!

In the outfield, Chris, we've got the wildly overpaid Jayson Werth in right, with his stupid beard and powerfully disappointing hitting numbers (.215, 11 HRs, just 31 RBIs and 12 SBs). This guy's a bigger burden than you must have been as a child, there, King Kong Bundy.



In center and left field the Nationals are trotting out the Pu Pu platter of Laynce Nix, Rick Ankiel, Roger Bernadina and the recently acquired Jonny Gomes. These guys couldn't even score with your sister, Adam.




True dat! On to the pitchers, after we spend this commercial break fondling each other across these stupid barstools we sit on. Don't go away.

(Cut to the fucking PSAs and Jeter Edge commercials and Mets fans muttering at their TVs)



(Carlin and Schein wiping goo off their faces) And we're back!

The Nationals will be bringing in some polished turds this weekend to pitch. Friday night will match Dillon Gee up against the 2011 debut of one time Yankee hurler Chien Mien Wang. He's been slaving away the 2011 season in Syracuse. You know, I hear that that town is populated entirely with well hung and urbane Jewish men, Carlin. Let's get on a bus right now!



Easy there, you sack lapper. We've got to finish talking about the Nationals in LOUD VOICES!




Oh, right. Anyhoo, Saturday's matchup features knuckler R.A. Dickey against the Nats' Jason Marquis. This guy eats innings the way you eat subs, Chris. That is to say, by relaxing the throat muscles and taking the entire load in one shot. Marquis is sporting an 8-5 record and a 3.95 ERA.



Sunday we've got Niese against the Nationals' Jordan Zimmermann. This young hurler has just a 6-9 record but a spiffy 3.27 ERA to show. He's a guy with promise. Just like I promised not to call you a toilet, Adam. Oh, whoops.




It's all good, egghead. The Nationals' closer is another young guy, Drew Storen, who's 5-2 this year with 25 saves and a 2.37 ERA. The other key guys you'll see out of their pen include Tyler Clippard, Todd "Extra Large Cup of" Coffey, and Sean Burnett.

Any former Mets playing in DC, there, shitdick?



Yes sir! You've got former Mets farmhand Jesus Flores as the backup catcher as well as Alex Cora, always a threat to come in and strike out late in a game as a flailing pinch hitter. Livan Hernandez also sports the Nats colors though we thankfully won't get him this weekend. And lets not forget the skipper of this train wreck, former Mets hero Davey Johnson. AND BROTHER OF METS PLAYER SCOTT HAIRSTON, JERRY HAIRSTON, JR.!

WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

I DON'T KNOW I THINK I'M HAVING AN ANEURYSM!

OK THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD SPOT TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK!

ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK!

(Schein and Carlin morph into the Martians from the Tim Burton film "Mars Attacks" and start blasting SNY crew members with ray guns. Fade to black.)

[Ceetar]

hah. good job.

I wonder if i started a show called "Well Reasoned Sports Debate" if anyone would watch.

[bmfc1]

Excellent Fman99.

[soupcan]

'Well-hung, urbane Jewish men' - good stuff. Great job, very funny AND informative! I'm a big fan of your work Fman.

(all that being said - there are some serious latent tendencies at work up there pal...)

[Edgy MD]

So... you're saying they're gay?

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

Wiping goo off the monitor.

Nice job, Fisty.

[TransMonk]

F'kin' hilarious!

Great work, Fman.

[Guest themetfairy]

Great stuff Fman!

[Frayed Knot]

This thread is childish, disgusting, and beneath the dignity of this fine website ... and I vote that FMan take the next five KTEs.

[MFS62]

In my KTE you wrote:

Nice knowledge. Refreshing change of pace from the usual juvenile pu pu platter of cock jokes and pop culture minutiae.

Guess you more than made up for that.
I feel like I was the opening act for George Carlin.
Oh, did I say that I really enjoyed that?

Later

[G-Fafif]

You had me at "your own parents humping"...in LOUD VOICES!

[Willets Point]

It can't compare with Sports Shouting.

[batmagadanleadoff]

Willets Point wrote: It can't compare with Sports Shouting.

I like that show. Whenever the panelists disagree, Paul Lynde comes out from behind the "SS" to settle the issue.

[Edgy MD]

Dillon Gee, wife-neglecting video drone.

[Frayed Knot]

Other Nat-facts to consider:

- now in last place after getting swept by the Fishies, losing 5 straight overall, and 8 of their last 10

- they're now 9-17 under Davey, after Jim Riggleman famously left while the team was one game over .500
Not quite the boost they were looking for.

- it would be one thing if Jayson Werth were going through an adjustment phase on account of the new team and trying too hard to impress, etc., but he's actually getting worse as the year goes along -- hitting a whopping .170 since June 1 with 3 HRs

- this'll be CM Wang's first ML start since July 4th 2009. To find his last good start you have to go back to 2008

- Zimmermann's numbers look good overall but he's been thumped in his last two starts: 12 ER on 15 hits in 11.2 IPs

- they released Matt Stairs to make room for the trade of Johnny Gomes

[Guest attgig]

Edgy DC wrote: Dillon Gee, wife-neglecting video drone.

Isn't it strange that a pitcher who relies on fielders in real life would make a shortstop with bricks for hands? Nope. I just want to hit homeruns.

seems like "chicks dig the longball" part 2.

[seawolf17]

Matt Stairs always gave me hope that someday I'd make the majors.

[Fman99]

batmagadanleadoff wrote:

I made so many homosexual jokes that Paul Lynde rose (ahem) from the grave. How appropriate.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

I enjoyed myself while reading this how many times, Charlie?



At least, friend. At least.

[Also, as an iffily-hung gentile, am seriously considering "Well-hung, urbane Jewish men" as a Fantasy Football team name.]

Edited July 29, 2011 by Guest

[soupcan]

Sorry, this is just too good to let fall to the bottom of the page.

[MFS62]

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr wrote: [Also, as an iffily-hung gentile, am seriously considering "Well-hung, urbane Jewish men" as a Fantasy Football team name.]

I think Fmann was just having delusions of glandeur.

Later