KTE, no, wait, it's KME! Mets/Bucs

[Fman99]

Instead of giving you information about this sad sack of a franchise, which hasn't won shit for the last 18 years, I thought I'd give you some more interesting reading. So here's the Buccos starting lineup and starters and some knowledge about my own personal enemies.

That's right. It's a KME (Know Mine Enemy!)

You know, it may be tough for some of you to grasp, that an even keeled, respectable and polite chap such as myself would have ever made an enemy, but it's true! At times, I've had wrath towards others. I'm just a Fman, I'm not a superhero or anything.

So hang on. Here we go.

C Chris Snyder .205 avg, 1 HR, 7 RBI, .295 slugging percentage, .575 OPS.

My current work enemy is a woman named Julia. She looks like a pile of undercooked mashed potatoes stuffed into a shirt. She's a drunk, and a bore, and talks endlessly about her home renovation projects on her summer cabin and her (I assume) monstrously ugly son Curtis. Fuck off, Julia, no one cares how much your faucets cost or what you shot on the golf course yesterday. Bonus tidbit, I assume she has giant areolas like teacup saucers.

1B Garrett Jones .253/17/68 .419 SLG .733 OPS

When I was six I got in a fight with a kid named Tommy. His grandparents lived down the block from me. He beat me like an egg. He grew up to be the alpha male jock of my high school class, QB of the football team, center of the basketball team, etc. and we ended up being friends of a sort. But when I was six, he was my enemy in that he pounded me in my own front yard. Stupid summer vacations, go back to your own house Tommy.

2B Neil Walker .297/5/34 .429 SLG .773 OPS

Once when I was 25 or so I nearly got in a bar brawl. I was dancing with a couple of people in a bar, and one of them was a woman whose husband also happened to be at the bar. I wasn't paying him any mind, he was belly up to the bar while I danced with his wife and 1-2 other women. Fast dancing, nothing too suggestive. Then, out of nowhere, this guy grabbed me by the arm, spun me around, and pushed me back about 10 feet. I gave him the two minute stare down and went home. Fuck you, Terry, your wife wasn't that hot anyway.

3B Pedro Alvarez .245/10/35 .435 SLG .762 OPS

At my old house my neighbor Bill tried to install his own above ground pool. After having it up for a few days, he decided it wasn't level enough, so he dumped out the entire contents of it into his own backyard, flooding my back yard in the process. He also routinely did not where a shirt all summer. Fuck you, Shirtless Bill, and your ugly wife with the perpetual cigarette dangling from her mouth and your skeezy kids whose hair seemed dirty all year. Maybe you should toss a bar of soap into that tippy pool of yours, you dirty hump.

SS Ronny Cedeno .245/6/25 .367 .654

My long term college girlfriend cheated on me numerous times. Whatever. I can accept the fact, now, that she was being a whore. She was a special education major. One of the guys she cheated on me with was a resource room student of hers that was 19 or 20. Another was a 35 year old coffee shop manager at a place where she was waiting tables. somehow this was worse than having her bang a bunch of underwear models. Eh. Let's keep moving, I'm getting depressed now.

LF Jose Tabata .300/2/16 .385 .734

I wrecked my Jeep two years ago when a woman too stupid for human understanding pulled out in front of me in an attempt to cross three lanes of traffic to make a left turn, when she could've driven an extra 1/8 of a mile out of the same plaza to a traffic light, and then got out of her busted-ass Subaru and yelled at me because she believed me to be at fault, EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS IN MY FUCKING LANE, because the other two lanes had moronic drivers who stopped to let her cross. Fuck off, you gap toothed nitwit.

CF McCutchen .278/12/36 .439 .789

In middle school a girl kicked me square in the balls once. Fuck you, Elizabeth, you freckled pig.

RF Doumit .249/9/35 .408 SLG .726 OPS

My list is getting a little thin, so I'll borrow from Richard Nixon's enemy list. Fuck you, Jane Fonda, for not getting naked in more of your movies.

Friday: Karstens (2-9, 4.57 ERA) v Pelfrey

I used to work with a woman who talked, incessantly, about nothing. We compared her to a chicken as she also made a lot of clucking noises while she spoke. She was a real mess. Fuck you, Lori, and your Big Bird haircut, and your verbal diarrhea.

Niese v Jason McDonald (2-1, 2.55 ERA)

I dated another teacher back during my days of slavery in the public school system. She was a brickhouse, but didn't take breakups well. She stalked me around Watertown for a couple of months afterwards, tried to throw a pregnancy scare into me (falsely), and
generally was a pain in the ass. Fuck you, to the temptation of shapely women, alcohol and proximity. And fuck you, Candy, and your porn star name and your love of Beanie Babies and hanging out in parking lots waiting for me to come home, you nutty nut you.

Santana v Zach Duke

Fuck off, producers of summer reality programming like "Big Brother" and "America's Got Talent." My wife, and by extension now my son, love these shows. And they FUCKING SUCK. I think I'd rather see Fboy smoking meth than watching this drivel.

Closer Evan Meek/Joel Hanrahan

Lastly, fuck off to Lady GaGa. She's a toilet.

Former Pirates in Metville: Ollie, Jason Bay, Elmer Dessens

Former Mets in Buctown: Church, Milledge, Chan Ho Park! (according to Baseball-reference.com, not sure if he's active right now)

Thanks for reading, this was very therapeutic for me!

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

dying.

[metirish]

I dated another teacher back during my days of slavery in the public school system. She was a brickhouse, but didn't take breakups well. She stalked me around Watertown for a couple of months afterwards, tried to throw a pregnancy scare into me (falsely), and generally was a pain in the ass. Fuck you, to the temptation of shapely women, alcohol and proximity. And fuck you, Candy, and your porn star name and your love of Beanie Babies and hanging out in parking lots waiting for me to come home, you nutty nut you.

LOL....dying over here too.

[bmfc1]

"I think I'd rather see Fboy smoking meth than watching this drivel."
"Maybe you should toss a bar of soap into that tippy pool of yours, you dirty hump."

Brilliant.

Remind me never to cross you.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

That's what you get for dating a Beanie Baby lover.

In other words: glorious, homes.

[bmfc1]

That's what you get for dating a Beanie Baby lover.
[/quote:1k5lm9od]

Uh oh. LWFS is going to feel the wrath of a CPF'er for that line.

[Chad ochoseis]

Freaking awesome. And next time you're ordering a Big Mac, may it be Tommy from when you were six who's asking you if you want fries and a Coke with your order.

And if soupcan ever sells his house, I hope Bill buys it.

Not to get off topic here, but when did they make Doumit a right fielder?

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

When they snagged Snyder, I'm guessing. (The longer they can hold onto him as a productive bat, the better, I guess.)

That's what you get for dating a Beanie Baby lover.
[/quote:3lkjzu61]

Uh oh. LWFS is going to feel the wrath of a CPF'er for that line.[/quote:3lkjzu61]

Will said wrath be limited-edition/numbered?

[MFS62]

Bonus tidbit, I assume she has giant areolas like teacup saucers.

You didn't find out?
Are you trying to tarnish your reputation?

Literally laughed out loud.

Later

[TransMonk]

Awesome stuff here.

[Guest Edgy DC]

I want image links.

[Guest themetfairy]

That's what you get for dating a Beanie Baby lover.

In other words: glorious, homes.

[Guest themetfairy]

Jose Tabata - a former MFY farmhand who married a much older woman who pretended to be pregnant with his child but wasn't actually pregnant. IOW, not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

[TransMonk]

Fake Mets Beanie Baby:


Mets Baby Beanie:


Pirate Beanie Baby:

[Guest Edgy DC]

Jose Tabata - a former MFY farmhand who married a much older woman who pretended to be pregnant with his child but wasn't actually pregnant. IOW, not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.[/quote:211sq3ej]
And he wasn't the last victim of her fraud. She actually kidnapped somebody else's baby by pretending to be an immigration officer.

[Chad ochoseis]

Former Mets in Buctown: Church

One minor correction - Church is now an Arizona Dbag. I had the pleasure of watching him pop up weakly as a pinch-hitter at Chase Field last Tuesday night in a losing effort against the Redlegs.

As a side story, Drew Stubbs Churched third base while attempting to score on a Paul Janish double, and was called out on an appeal play.

As a side story to that, the "J" in Janish is pronounced like a "Y", and "Janish" does not rhyme with "vanish".

You may now return to the discussion of Fman's funny-as-all-hell KTE.

[Guest The Second Spitter]

Hilarious.

[batmagadanleadoff]

You should do the Bucs bench. This way, we could read about more of your enemies.

Two thumbs up.

[Zvon]

caaaaaaaaLASSIC!lmao

[G-Fafif]

My list is getting a little thin, so I'll borrow from Richard Nixon's enemy list. Fuck you, Jane Fonda, for not getting naked in more of your movies.

Needless to say I won't be able to look at Ryan Doumit without seeing Barbarella. Or at least Electric Horseman.

Fan-fucking-tastic KTE.

[A Boy Named Seo]

That was awesome, man. Loved the Candy, one, too, and think this...

Fuck you, to the temptation of shapely women, alcohol and proximity


...should be on a t-shirt, bumper sticker, and/or my tombstone.

I skipped all the lines about the Pirates.

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

I skipped all the lines about the Pirates.[/quote:2cwvo7z9]

Same

[Willets Point]

I'm not worthy of this forum.

[Guest Edgy DC]

Mets 7, Buccos 2.

Take that, Tommy, you big asshole.

[Guest GYC]

Wait, Lady Gaga is awesome.