Who ya gonna call?

[G-Fafif]

AG/DC wrote: You thought you had an invite, but the host of the party treating you like shit has made it clear that you're not welcome. You want to cut a noxious fart --- a real A-bomb --- before you leave, but you don't have it in you. Is there a Met or two who can leave that silent killer behind on your behalf?

Dude! Who invited Hundley?

And is there a Met who can do anything with this old PC? It's frozen and I can't get at my files.

[Guest themetfairy]

Ron Darling. That Yale degree comes in handy at times.

You want a Met (present or former) to sing the National Anthem before the Super Bowl. Whom do you call?

[Gwreck]

Gary Carter's your man.

I need a reservation at the finest restaurant in New York. Who'd get it for me without even breaking a sweat?

[soupcan]

Gwreck wrote: I need a reservation at the finest restaurant in New York. Who'd get it for me without even breaking a sweat?

Rusty-uranteur Staub comes to mind first but I'm guessing that suave Manhattanite Mex could handle that as well.

I need to unearth the oil tank in my front yard and move it inside into my basement because of environmental concerns. To whom can I turn?

[Guest AG/DC]

Frank Taveras in an unmarked white van, thank you very much.

Help! I need a Met to take my darling sweet baby sister out and show her a gentlemanly good time.

[DocTee]

Bruce Berenyi, come on down (and out).

Now who's gonna take my place in the "Dancing with Stars" competition?

[Guest themetfairy]

Bobby Valentine, who has experience in competitive ballroom dancing (there's nothing he can't do).

You need a DJ for your daughter's Sweet 16 party. Whom do you call to spin the discs (metaphorically speaking)?

[G-Fafif]

themetfairy wrote: You need a DJ for your daughter's Sweet 16 party. Whom do you call to spin the discs (metaphorically speaking)?

The DJ with the flyest name in the hood: Vinegar Bend Mizell.

Meanwhile, my driveway's being held hostage by a snow drift. Which Met has that plow on his pickup again?

[Willets Point]

Rick Reed at your service. You need a plow if you're going hunting in the mountains of West Virginia after all.

Google Maps keeps telling you to go down one-way streets. What Met is going to know the REAL shortcut across town, even at rush hour?

[G-Fafif]

John Franco's from around here. He knows all the back streets.

But what Met knows how to cobble a winning strategy for Super Tuesday?

[DocTee]

Why clubhouse politician Al Leiter, of course.

Who can dig up the dirt I need on my political opponent?

[G-Fafif]

DocTee wrote: Who can dig up the dirt I need on my political opponent?

Call a grave digger: Richie Hebner.

But who ya gonna call when your bassist develops a blister and your garage band has that make or break gig down at the American Legion hall?

[Guest AG/DC]

Nolan Ryan got his blister problem under control for about a hundred seasons. I can't recommend anyone better.

Winter ball in Venezuela sounded like a good idea. But it's not working out and I've got to get home for a family situation.

The friendly-looking owner/GM had told me I could get out of my contract, but now he's looking more sinister, singing a different tune, and reminding me that he has my passport and I can't go anywhere, reminding me by waving it cockily in front of my face.

He didn't count on my athletic reflexes. I grab it, dash to the parking lot, where an ex-Met is waiting to tear through the streets of Caracas at reckless speeds to get me to the aeropuerto.

Which Met is this high-pressure driver?

[MFS62]

The driver is Tom Glavine. He already lost some teeth in a car accident, so he figures lightning can't strike twice in the same spot. He'd be fearless.

Speaking of spots, you're the best man at a wedding and just spilled red wine on the front of your shirt. Who will you call to clean out the spot in time for picture taking?

Later

[DocTee]

Mackey Sasser, in his pre-Smithers clinic days, would lick the spot clean.


Your best man is a no-show at your wedding. Which Met delivers a pinch hit toast?

[Theoldmole]

I'd go with Keith Hernandez -- he's developed into a pretty smooth talker.

You're taking your Ph.D. orals in art history and you haven't studied for them, but fortunately no one on your review board knows what you look like, so you put in a emergency call to...

[Guest Rockin' Doc]

I'd have Ron Darling stand in for me. His Ivy League education would come in handy.

A regular on your league bowling team is sick and can't make it. The league grants you the right to have a stand in bowl in his place, so who are you going to call?

[Fman99]

Well that'd be avid bowler David Wright... since Jerome Bettis never donned the orange and blue.

It's April 14th and you realized your taxes aren't done. Who's your ace in the hole for help with those pesky 1040's, schedules and whatnot?

[Guest OlerudOwned]

Since we appear to have abandoned the Former+Current format, I'll just take the number crunching Brian Bannister.

Your hot date is showing up in an hour and you can't get that souffle to rise. Who's helping you get baked?

[Guest themetfairy]

Known gourmet Rusty Staub.

You're going out of the country on a trip, but your passport hasn't arrived yet. Whom can you trust to forge you a good one?

[MFS62]

themetfairy wrote: You're going out of the country on a trip, but your passport hasn't arrived yet. Whom can you trust to forge you a good one?

Computer whiz Davey Johnson could probably figure out a way to print up a real good one.

You want to go to a current movie, but there are several ones you might want to see.
Which Met would you trust to suggest the one that you would enjoy most?

Later

[Theoldmole]

Well-known movie critic Yogi Berra.

You've been arrested for a triple homicide. You're innocent, but they found you standing over the body with a smoking gun in your hand. You don't have a lawyer, so you decide to call a Met. Who?

[Guest AG/DC]

Keith Hernandez, with a rolodex full of connections, gills full of coke and blood stream that thrives on competition.

He doesn't want to know if I did it. He just wants enough to cast reasonable doubt. He's my lawyer. I love him and I'm terrified of him.

Where's my dog? Can a Met help me find my dog?

[Guest sharpie]

Jim Hickman can. Don't ask me why, he just can.

There's a busted lamp that needs re-wiring. I'm pretty sure there is a Met who can take care of this. Question is: who?

[Guest AG/DC]

I'm assuming Bobby V. is still busy on Dancing with the Stars, correct?

[Centerfield]

Bobby Valentine's busy? Ok, call Joe McEwing.

You're single, about to go on a date, and you need five Mets to be your "Queer Eyes".

[Centerfield]

AG/DC wrote: I'm assuming Bobby V. is still busy on Dancing with the Stars, correct?

Oprah Winfrey? What?

[Fman99]

Centerfield wrote: Bobby Valentine's busy? Ok, call Joe McEwing. You're single, about to go on a date, and you need five Mets to be your "Queer Eyes".

Don't do it! They're really CRAB PEOPLE.