Fman99

KTE: Phuck Those Guys The Phillies are 31-19, first in the NL East and 7.5 games up on the Mets. So, it's KTE time once again kids, and I've been thinking about the best way to educate you, my Metly cohorts, wisecrackers and assgrabbers. And what I've come up with is this. Let's disarm them. No, not robotically separating their arms the way they make potted meat. (Though I'd watch this if it were on Spike TV.). What I mean is, let's try to take the sting out of the fact that they have better hitting and pitching than us by comparing each player to the Muppet that they most resemble, either physically, intellectually or spiritually. After all, we're not going to be intimidated by a bunch of puppets, right? Plus, I believe most of the Phllly players actually enjoy having a man's hand thrust up into their posterior for purposes of mind control and/or entertainment. This should work fine. And away we go! Catcher: Carlos Ruiz (.247 BA/.351 OBP/.371 SLG, 2 HR, 10 RBI). Putting up career numbers more or less in line with what he's done in the past, can occasionally turn on a pitch, hits at the ass end of the order. Corresponding Muppet: Beaker (because he's stupid looking) 1st Base: Ryan Howard (.253/.338/.500, 11 HR, 38 RBI). The big power threat, nearly twice the HRs as anyone else on the team, as per usual. Corresponding Muppet: Link Hogthrob (big nostrils, hunky leading male type) 2nd Base: Chase Utley (.143/.200./.357, 1 HR, 1 RBI). His season just started this past week after a spring training injury shelved him. Hit his first HR of 2011 on Thursday. Corresponding Muppet: Rizzo the Rat (because he's a fucking rat) 3rd Base: Placido Polanco (.323/.363/.417, 3 HR, 27 RBI, 25 R). Clutch hitting this year, solid defender. Corresponding Muppet: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (giant head) Shortstop: Jimmy Rollins (.264/.341/.363, 3 HR, 15 RBI, 29 R, 9 SB). Having a very league-average year at SS. The luster's come off this penny as he isn't the hitter he was 3-4 years ago. Who among us is, really. Corresponding Muppet: Janice from Electric Mayhem (long hair, goofy smile and fucks a lot of drummers and guitarists I assume) Left Field: Raul Ibanez (.250/300/.415, 6 HR, 25 RBI, 25 R). Thirty nine years young, still hitting the ball and having a generally productive year. Corresponding Muppet: Dr. Julius Strangepork (oldest crewmember of the 'Pigs in Space' ensemble). Center Field: John Mayberry (.235/.333/.346, 2 HR, 11 RBI, 9 R, 4 SB) Filling in for Shane Victorino whom is on the DL with a "I'm a giant dickwad" related injury. Career journeyman-type. Looks like Chris Rock. Corresponding Muppet: Fozzy Bear (best in limited action, theoretically wears a polka-dotted bowtie and a tiny hat in his free time). Right Field: Domonoic Brown (.167/.273/.278, 0 HR, 1 RBI in 18 AB). Fairly high touted prospect whom also hurt himself this spring. Supplants the forgettable Ben "San" Francisco whom might also see time in the OF this weekend. Corresponding Muppet: Kermit's nephew Robin (young tadpole-type) See, it's working, isn't it? I'm not afraid of these furry hand-jammers! Bench: Francisco, Wilson Valdez, backup catcher Dane Sardinha, Ross Gload, Michael Martinez. Corresponding Muppets: Gonzo's chickens On to the rotation: Friday night: Capuano v. Roy Oswalt (3-2, 2.77 ERA, 27 K/10 BB). Having a good season but missed time with back issues and also took time to assist in post-tornado relief stuff in the south. Corresponding Muppet: Sam the Eagle (patriotic, glum). Saturday night: Pelf v. Cole Hamels (6-2, 3.06, 68/15). Shown much improvement after a down 2010. Another 25% of the vaunted "Rotation better than naked ladies" that we're all so tired of. Corresponding Muppet: Miss Piggy (photographic evidence proving what a girly diva this guy actually is). Sunday matinee: Niese v. Vance "Jo-Ann" Worley (3-2, 2.14, 18/10). In rotation for an injured Joe Blanton. Second year pro. Corresponding Muppet: Scooter (the fill in/utility type, young and goofy looking). Closer: Ryan Madson (2-1, 9 SV, 1.71 ERA, 24 K/8 BB). Having a dominating run as Phillies closer while Brad Lidge is on the DL. Corresponding Muppet: Animal (he's been a beast in that pen) Bullpen: Danys Baez, Antonio Bastardo, Jose Contreras, Kyle Kendrick, JC Romero. Corresponding Muppets: the rest of Electric Mayhem -- Dr. Teeth, Floyd, Zoot, and Lips Manager: Charlie Manuel. Old and fat and knows what he's doing. Corresponding Muppet: Barbara Billingsley as the voice of the Muppet Babies' mom (because he doesn't fucking deserve to be Kermit). Never appeared on camera except below the waist (oh yeah, that's right). Former Mets in Philly: Valdez, Brian Schneider (DL) F0rmer Phuckholes in Mets uniforms: None that I could find Of course, the roles of Waldorf and Statler will be played in non-ironic fashion by Saul Katz and Fred Wilpon (sigh).

I'm loosening up now..." (that's what she said)

I'm fine with it as long as Einhorn is not also Ray Finkle.

TheOldMole wrote: Let's Go Tits!

John Cougar Lunchbucket wrote: nice, ceets. Poll tmw? I've got a pole going right now.

Yay, it's an official game. Impressive adjustment made by Gee to recuperate after that first inning.

Come. On.

Fucking hell.

Mets have a day off to lick their wounds, post ass-kick. I don't know about you but I'll be surfing the dial for MLB to watch tonight. Ten games today, six in the AL and four in the senior circuit. The MFYs are hosting Toronto, big fat Bartolo Colon taking the hill. Let's hope for a repeat of this hysterical headline. Among the NL East, the Marlins and Braves are off, Cincy is at Philly (Hamels pitching) and the Nats go to Milwaukee.

What dopey shit coming from Fred. George Steinbrenner must be rolling around on his bed of coals reading this.

This went sour in a hurry.

That stadium is a fucking joke. Every fly ball is a home run. Except the ones the Mets hit. What. The. Fuck.

Better yet, with a four run lead the MFYs are going to punching bag and former Met Luis Ayala.

I've tried to be patient. Forgiving, even. But fuck, Jason Bay is a 6' hunk of shit in a Mets jersey. He's Burnitz-bad.

This is the night we get to the Panama pool murderer. You just watch.

We're pulling for you, Kid.

The Second Spitter wrote: There's a cranky old bastard at my gym who always wears either a "Got Rings?" "Yankee universe" or "Ruth Gehrig Dimaggio Mantle" t-shirt. I rarely speak to him. Today he was wearing the "Got Rings?" shirt. So as I walked passed him I blurted out: "Got Turner?" Punch him in his asshole!

Edgy DC wrote: I also think it's pretty terrible job of picking photos there. From a roll of portrait shots, that was the keeper? That was my reaction too. How snarky. That's the face he must have made when watching Seinfeld and listening to Larry David's impression of him.

bmfc1 wrote: How awesome was the Mets bullpen tonight? And RA, too, stepping up big time in response to my crushing him last week. I was pleased that he had gotten pushed back to tonight, thinking Fboy and I were more likely to see a win from Gee yesterday than Dickey given his recent outings. Glad to have been proven wrong. I get a fuzzy glow when the Mets beat the MFYs. It warms my cockles.

metirish wrote: fucks sake Keith cop on and grab a hold of yourself, you big eggit. I fed this into Google translator and it gave me back a shrug.

Mazzilli?

I was enjoying the fact that Dillon Gee uses the Dr. Dre/Snoop hip hop classic "Nuthin But a G Thang" as his warmup and at-bat music. The edited for radio version, but still.

Hilarious stuff, well played.

Thanks for the kind words TMF. The truth is I am very much in person like I am online (ask ABNS, who has been out drinking with me). At work, specifically, where it's fairly casual and my coworkers all have good senses of humor. But I clean it up and behave myself when my children are around.

He's the greatest ginger since Ralph Malph.