KTE 4/8-4/10: Things Fall Apart

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

The Breakdown:

�Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.� - Lao Tzu

"They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad...." -Charlie, "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia"

Consider the Phillies, how they go. They toil, they spin; I tell you, San Francisco's roster, in all its postseason glory, was not arrayed like one of these. But talent ages. Beauty fades. Scrap turns into scrapple. Perhaps there is some consolation to be found in the development of guys like Domonic Brown, who may finally be turning into the power-speed opponents' nightmare he's so long promised to be, or the odd not-already-traded prospect like Tyler Cloyd. Maybe there's a glimmer of promise-beyond-now in the constant flow from Reading of minor-league-lifers-turned-major-league-overachievers keeping creaky, injury-riddled rosters afloat just long enough to make October matter, if only for a moment. Maybe there's some spiritual nourishment for Phils faithful in the concept that this squad's aging dinosaurs, if handled properly by Ruben Amaro and his cohort, will figuratively feed the next generation's contenders. They'll have to get their satisfaction there, 'cause-- Lord-- these behomoths are turning to oil a lot quicker than anyone thought.



Phils slugger Chase Utley, finally healthy, limbers up before a game against the Kansas City Royals.

Mainstays like Victorino and Blanton are gone, replaced by mildly younger-and-lesser models (Revere and Lannan) and ironically named castaways (Michael and Delmon Young), but otherwise, it's the same old Time-Lost-To-Injury All-Star Squad, plus a year. Between Howard (struggling despite a torrid spring), Utley (ripping, but a hair's-breadth away from the physical therapist's office), Halladay (oh, boy), and the rest, there's more degradation and regression here than in the Great Library of German Pornography. They're spirited, no doubt (44-31 second-half record after a wretched start), and the steady flow of overachievers from the minors should help keep them afloat, but... well... they also nearly were swept at home by a still-pretty-iffy Royals squad. The phuture is now... and that's not a good thing.


The Lineup:
(*Lefties/#Switchies)

C Erik Kratz (2012: 157 PA, .248/.306/.504, 14 R, 9 HR, 26 RBI, 114 OPS+). Placeholding for Fraud Barajas. Sub-5-percent career walk rate; decent, streaky pop; "calls a great game" and in his mid 30s... making him something of an ersatz Rod himself.

1B Ryan Howard* (2012: 292 PA, .219/.295/.428, 28 R, 14 HR, 56 RBI, 91 OPS+). It may be a little tough to swallow, but, well, considering that there's going to be some value there, and it could potentially be worth what you're paying for it, well... clammy meat and dead-smelling lettuce aside, that terrible sandwich "food" Howard continues to shill isn't as wretched a lunch option as you might think. The guy holding the sub, though? Oh, yeah, that's a fucking abomination, charming "Office" cameos notwithstanding.



"What's my biggest weakness? Probably that I work TOO hard when rehabbing one of my chronic injuries."

2B Chase Utley* (2012: 362 PA, .256/.365/.429, 48 R, 11 HR, 45 RBI, 113 OPS+). 4 extra-base hits, including two homers, and looking friskier than he has in years. Also, as always, looking like a guy who invites you to his animal charity's fundraiser so that he can slip you some GHB. Unfortunately, headed for the DL sometime around mid-May.

3B Michael Young (2012: 651 PA, .277/.312/.370, 79 R, 8 HR, 67 RBI, 78 OPS+). Unfortunately for the Phils, NOT headed for the DL anytime soon. Poor man's Derek Jeter, insofar as he is quickly declining, still finds someone to pay him for diminished offense and defense that was never great (likely due partly to his intangibles), and is much, much poorer than Derek Jeter.

SS Jimmy Rollins# (2012: 699 PA, .250/.316/.427, 102 R, 23 HR, 68 RBI, 98 OPS+). Still here. Still relatively durable. Still combines power, speed, and unlikeliness to walk like a Cyborg Stephen Hawking. Guaran-damn-teed to hit a home run at a weird, inopportune time sometime Tuesday or Wednesday. Still steals efficiently, as most white North Philadelphians will gladly point out with a smirk.

LF Domonic Brown* (2012: 212 PA, .235/.316/.396, 21 R, 5 HR, 26 RBI, 91 OPS+). "Raked in spring. Looking decent early. Could this be the year?" -excerpted from Philadelphia Phillies 2010 Media Guide

CF Ben Revere (2012: 553 PAs, .294/.333/.342, 70 R, 0 HR, 32 RBI, 89 OPS+). No home runs, like, ever. But he's ingratiating himself nicely with an unparalleled knowledge of local cuisine. Thankfully, he's lovably goofy online presence and does crazy-go-nuts stuff with leather and batted balls.



"I just want to thank the Good Lord for making me a Supercharged-Matrix-Kung-Fu-Robot."

RF John Mayberry (2012: 479 PAs, .245/.301/.395, 53 R, 14 HR, 46 RBI, 86 OPS+). Hitting so well in the early going (.921 OPS) that Dad might actually stop avoiding conversations about him with well-meaning acquaintances. Performs most of Ryan Howard's stunts.


The Bench:
(*Lefties/#Switchies; career numbers in parentheses)

C Humberto Quintero (.234/.266/.322)-- Like Bryan Schneider, only less whitey and more righty. Marked upgrade over the glitch-filled Humberto Quadtero.
1B/OF Laynce Nix* (.244/.290/.427)-- Like Matt Stairs, only far more mobile and-- paradoxically- far less likely to walk.
2B/SS Freddy Galvis# (.224/.251/.359)-- Actually hit a home run off a Cy Young winner. For serious.
IF Kevin Frandsen (.269/.324/.367)-- .338/.383/.451 last season filling in at third. Performs most of Chase Utley's stunts.


"Yes, I'm so very sorry for what happened, ma'am... but I didn't date-rape you at 'Pause For Paws' Night."

The Matchups:

Monday, 4/8: Seaver Jr. vs.
RHP Roy Halladay (2012: 25 G/25 GS, 156 1/3 IP, 11-8 record, 4.49 ERA, 1.22 WHIP, 132 K/36 BB, 18 HR allowed, 89 ERA+): May not be able to get above 89 mph anymore, but he'll be damned if anyone's going to raise a more fundamentally-sound barn.


"Fa dei is es Reich, di graft, un di hallichkeit in ayvichkeit, so garr venn das eine loss of fastball ist."

Tuesday, 4/9: Nuttin' But A Thang vs.
LHP Cliff Lee (2012: 30 G/30 GS, 211 IP, 6-9 record, 3.16 ERA, 1.11 WHIP, 207 K/28 BB, 26 HR allowed, 127 ERA+): Win drop notwithstanding, the peripherals were all right around where you'd expect them. More practiced control than a Nazi puppeteer.

Wednesday, 4/10: Chick-Fil-H vs.
RHP Kyle Kendrick (2012: 37 G/25 GS, 159 1/3 IP, 11-12 record, 3.90 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 116 K/49 BB, 20 HR allowed, 103 ERA+): Not a favorite of the Phils faithful, but starting to win them over with his mental toughness. Walks fewer than he used to, but still gives up a HR per game. When he misses inside, is about as prone to getting roughed up as Meredith Baxter Birney in a Lifetime movie.



"Watch it, Kyle. I already told you once... with my mouth."

"Guys?" In The Bullpen (brought to you by Suicidal Jets Toothbrush)



"I gotta tell you, there are a lot of Guys who swing to the left here. "Guys like Phillippe Aumont probably prefer some poutine to provolone. Guys like Jeremy Horst sound like they can pack away more meat than they actually do. Guys like Antonio Bastardo you know-- they pack more heat than a cherry pepper on a Tony Luke's Roast Pork Italian. Dry-aged guys like Raul Valdes are better than you remember. As for the righties, well, Guys like Chad Durbin are a little limp on the bun... but Guys like Mike Adams and Jonathan Papelbon? Well, some guys are always good for a Whiz wit'. Right, Guys?"

[smiles, flopsweats meat juice]

Exes:

The Flushed:

Raul Valdes, infuriatingly better than he was in blue and orange.

The Phormer:

The reanimated corpse of Marlon Byrd. And I want to say Latroy Hawkins so badly... but no.

LGM.

[A Boy Named Seo]

Fucking brilliant, son.

[Zvon]

A Boy Named Seo wrote: Fucking brilliant, son.

^^

[Guest themetfairy]

Superlative!

[batmagadanleadoff]

[Gwreck]

Outstanding KTE.

I might have misunderstood the Barajas joke but isn't Carlos Ruiz serving a suspension for PEDs?

[metirish]

Fucking hilarious.....

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

A Boy Named Seo wrote: Fucking brilliant, son.

Yeah, you should do this for $$.

[Frayed Knot]

"... there's more degradation and regression here than in the Great Library of German Pornography."

I'm not sure I want to get into the mind that comes up with analogies like that one.

[Fman99]

Your views intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

[Guest The Second Spitter]

Like I said before, I'd be quite content if Albilly writes every KTE.

Meanwhile here are some Phillie Lovers.

[

[Gwreck]

You have the wrong douchebag Supreme Court justice. Alito is the Phillies fan, not Scalia.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

Gwreck wrote: Outstanding KTE. I might have misunderstood the Barajas joke but isn't Carlos Ruiz serving a suspension for PEDs?

Thanks. And yeah, it is; I was unsure whether to go with "Fraud Barajas" or "ChooooooooosesToCheat."

[Guest The Second Spitter]

Gwreck wrote: You have the wrong douchebag Supreme Court justice. Alito is the Phillies fan, not Scalia.

Thanks for the correction. My image sources are shit. Scalia is a Yankee Lover, just like.........




















Sonia Sotomayor.

[Gwreck]

Yeah. We have Kagan, though.

And Madam Justice Ginsburg was a Brooklyn Dodgers fan, so perhaps we can claim her too.

[Guest metsguyinmichigan]

Way to set the bar super-high for the rest of us!

Outstanding job!

[Guest The Second Spitter]

Gwreck wrote: Yeah. We have Kagan, though. And Madam Justice Ginsburg was a Brooklyn Dodgers fan, so perhaps we can claim her too.

When Ruth Ginsburg was a little girl, her father would take her to watch the original New York Metropolitans.

metsguyinmichigan wrote: Way to set the bar super-high for the rest of us! Outstanding job!

Please post the photo of you wearing the Phillies cap so I can add you to the gallery.

[Guest metsguyinmichigan]

The Second Spitter wrote: Please post the photo of you wearing the Phillies cap so I can add you to the gallery.

Doesn't exist. Purged from all of our memories.

I did just get my new Mets All-Star cap in the mail yesterday.

[MFS62]

Great job, LWFS.
Having eaten breakfast in Pennsylvania several times, I particularly liked this almost hidden gem:

Scrap turns into scrapple.

Later

[Edgy MD]

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr wrote: C Humberto Quintero (.234/.266/.322)-- Like Bryan Schneider, only less whitey and more righty. Marked upgrade over the glitch-filled Humberto Quadtero.

I'm impressed. That one was hard work.

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr wrote: 2B/SS Freddy Galvis# (.224/.251/.359)-- Actually hit a home run off a Cy Young winner. For serious.

'Roids.