KTE: MFY: LOL: OMG

[Fman99]

For all of the thrill of division rivalries, and longstanding hatred of those ersatz NL East castoffs in Pittsburgh and at Wrigley, you don't have to have Ron Darling's Ivy League education to know who the enemy is. I mean, the real enemy.

It's these Mother Fucking New York Yankees�.

So, without further ado, here is the current list of Mother Fuckers. Complete with embarrassing statistics, best/worst John Sterling home run calls, and, when merited, the likely imagery they use during acts of self-copulation.

Keep in mind the stupid small ballpark they play in when considering their power numbers. And forgive my stats being a couple of days old, I wrote some of this earlier in the week. I'm busy, fuck all of you.

Catching: Russell Martin (batting .192 with 4 HRs, 12 RBIs). This guy's got nothing left in the tank. He makes me uncomfortable with his awfulness. Best Sterling call: "RUSSELL HAS MUSCLE!" Corresponding Suzyn Waldman utterance: "Oh my!"

First Base: Mark Teixeira (.253/9/32). Picked it up after his normal ca-ca filled April. Still a big dumb galoot. Best Sterling call: "YOU'RE ON THE MARK, TEIXIERA!" Corresponding Suzyn Waldman utterance: "Oh dear!" Masturbates to: Hee Haw reruns.

Second Base: Robinson Cano (.284/8/24, 36 runs, .840 OPS). Named after our Rotunda. Who cares. He's like a chocolate Daniel Murphy, with home run power. Best Sterling call: "ROBBIE CANO, DONT'CHA KNOW!?!?!" Corresponding Waldman noise: "Gush."

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez (.284/9/22, 6 steals, .818 OPS). Hitting. Blue lips, like he got left out in the cold. Enjoys pictures of himself with a centaur's body. Best Sterling call: "AN A-BOMB! FOR A-ROD!" Waldman noise: "Squoosh" (in her panties). Masturbates to: Mr. Ed reruns.

Shortstop: Derek Jeter (.336/6/20, 30 runs, .846 OPS). Also hitting. Suspected by many New Yorkers of being on performance enhancing drugs. Perfectly coiffed half-white, half black guy "Some-Fro" hairstyle. Best Sterling call: "EL CAPITAN!" Waldman: "squirt" Masturbates to: Recordings of Bob Sheppard reading "Tropic of Cancer" seductively.

Left Field: Raul Ibanez (.252/9/29). Rumored to actually be 83 years old. Has corns older than Pedro Beato. Once dated your mom. Best Sterling call: "RAUL BE SEEING YOU!" (I swear I'm not making these up.) Waldman: Eh, who cares. Masturbates to: black and white photos of women in saloons.

Center Field: Curtis Granderson (.261/17/33). Not so many RBIs despite all the power. Which makes him a big pile of unclutch poo. Sterling: "OH CURTIS, YOU'RE SOMETHING SORT OF GRANDISH! THE GRANDY-MAN CAN, THE GRANDY-MAN CAN!" Waldman: Whatever sound a douche makes when being applied to a dried out old cooter. Masturbates to: Suzyn Waldman applying a balsamic vinagrette to her reproductive organs.

Right Field: Nick Swisher (.243/8/33). Meh. Sterling: "SWISHALICIOUS!" Waldman: "John, have you seen my bottle of Astro glide?" Masturbates to: Dukes of Hazzard reruns.

DH: Eric Chavez (.284/3/6) and/or Andruw Jones (.233/5/11). Old washed up hacks who can still jerk a ball over the novelty fences of YSIII. Sterling call: "ANDRUW JONES MAKES HIS BONES!" Waldman: "You know, I enjoy a good bone myself John."

Bench: Assorted shitdicks in pinstripes, looking smug, wearing double digit uniform numbers.

Pitching matchups: Friday - Johan vs Hiroki Kuroda (career no hitters: 0). First AL season after a career spent in Los Angeles. Asian. Pitchers in the AL don't get Sterling home run calls because they have this designated htiter thing, which, to me, is a bunch of gorilla shit. I'm sure Suzie Waldman still gets all soggy in her Depends about him though. Masturbates to: Godzuki centerfolds and stills of Tia Carrera from the first "Wayne's World" movie.

Saturday -- Gee vs Phil Hughes (career no hitters: 0). Former blue chip prospect-turned-disappointing average innings eating type. He's Mike Pelfrey, without all of the hand blowing.

Sunday -- Niese vs Andy the Rat Faced Boy (career no hitters: 0). Continuing the fine tradition of MFY employing washed up old hacks that had spent a couple of years on the scrap pile, the Pinstriped Pinheads brought back ol' Texas Cheat Em for another turn through the Junior Circuit. Masturbates to: country music.

Bullpen -- Closer:



Whoops! How embarrassing. The iconic superhero pool killer is out for the year, so the fort is being held down by Rafael Soriano, David Robertson, Boone Logan and a bunch of other fucking assholes. They are also in charge of carrying Suzyn Waldman's litter while she dresses up as Cleopatra, Liz Taylor style (sans style).

Former MFYs in Queens: None that I could find.

Former Mets in the Bronx: None, though Igarashi and Pedro Feliciano are on their payroll they are not able to pitch due to suckiness/decay.

[Guest Carnac the Metnificent]

A: The Supreme Court



















Q: Name the only bench with an average age older than the Yanquis' bench?

[Guest themetfairy]

ROFL!

Well played Fman, well played.

[Ceetar]

I think Igarashi got called up actually

picture of Jeter(I think anyway, I get all those rockheads confuseD):

[Frayed Knot]

The pool picture sent me off my chair.


Robertson, btw, not yet back in the Yanqui pen.
And while we're on that subject: to illustrate the over-riding importance of having that stud shut-down closer, the Yanx have blown exactly One Save since Mariano's injury* (April 30th) and that was the first opp Robertson had (gave up a game-losing GS while leading 1-0). They've also lost two games in the 9th that were tied going in but Sandman probably doesn't even pitch in either of those. I think those who want to anoint Rivera as the greatest PITCHER ever need to pay attention to stuff like this. You don't win that title going 50-some innings per year I don't care when those innings are.

So we can expect Rafael Soriano to close if such occasions arise. Remember that this was the guy the Steiny boys signed w/o Cashman's approval or even knowledge after Cash had stated publicly that he wasn't worth the money or the draft pick they wound up giving up for him.
He's been pitching reasonably good this season [good ERA though ugly WHiP so you wonder how long he can keep this up] but at $21 million (salary for '11 + '12 seasons) for all of 59 innings of 3.33 ERA/1.35-ish WHiP to date, it turns out they need him more than they thought. I wonder if the Stein boys are giving Cashman a hard time about this. Or maybe they're just abusing him for the skank he was fucking but is now stalking and suing him.





* Mariano just recovered from a blood clot that was only discovered following the knee injury - so he's yet to even have the required surgery for his knee although that'll occur sometime in the next week or so.

[Ceetar]

Frayed Knot wrote: * Mariano just recovered from a blood clot that was only discovered following the knee injury - so he's yet to even have the required surgery for his knee although that'll occur sometime in the next week or so.

What even caused the blood clot? quiet on that aren't they?

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

[Guest metsguyinmichigan]

One big dose of bad ass-ocity! And every word of it true.

[G-Fafif]

And to think all that personal information was right there in the MFY press guide.

[bmfc1]

I think Bob Raissman was stoned when he wrote this:
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/imagine-flip-side-subway-ride-article-1.1091869

[bmfc1]

My favorite line was the "Mr. Ed" reference in the A. Rodriguez information. Great job Fman99.

[Ceetar]

bmfc1 wrote: I think Bob Raissman was stoned when he wrote this: http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/imagine-flip-side-subway-ride-article-1.1091869

I concur. yikes.

[Edgy MD]

I have to say, there's a lot of ka-ching in publishing a fake Yankee press guide.

[metirish]

Fman rocks......great stuff.

[Guest Mets � Willets Point]

There's just a lot of disturbing imagery in fman's write-up, especially the Suzyn Waldman stuff. I need some mind-bleach.

[seawolf17]

Fman99 wrote: Sterling call: "ANDRUW JONES MAKES HIS BONES!" Waldman: "You know, I enjoy a good bone myself John."

Good thing I didn't get my coffee yet, because you'd owe me a keyboard.

Fman99 wrote: Masturbates to: stills of Tia Carrera from the first "Wayne's World" movie.

Yeah, but who doesn't?

Fman99 wrote: The iconic superhero pool killer is out for the year

Shit, this was glorious.

[G-Fafif]

bmfc1 wrote: I think Bob Raissman was stoned when he wrote this: http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/imagine-flip-side-subway-ride-article-1.1091869

In 2005, with 'FAN and 'CBS both part of the same corporate behemoth, Howie did an inning with Sterling while Gary did an inning with Waldman. It was more distracting than enlightening.

I used to enjoy Raissman, back when he used to report stuff.

[soupcan]

So many great nuggets in the Fman's write-up but this - Waldman noise: "Squoosh" (in her panties). - was my fave.

Awesome job.

Edited June 8, 2012 by Guest

[TransMonk]

Nice work, Fman!

[Edgy MD]

I've written about this before, but Kiner and Rizzuto calling a game together would have been glorious, in a sorta psychedelic way.

At least Raissman had the sense to portray it as it would be --- responsible and professional and entertainment journalists besieged by a crop of idiots. And not so much idiots, but human beings encouraged toward and rewarded for idiocy by their employers.

[G-Fafif]

Bonus points to Fman for even having to think about some of the more squirm-inducing imagery.

I refer, of course, to anything having to do with the MFYs.

[MFS62]

Seawolf, why masturbate to stills of Tia Carrera from the first "Wayne's World" movie when you can have had the real thing? She was Great!
Uh, back to the KTE.

I literally laughed out loud all the way through it.
Fman, do you realize how fucking tough this makes it for us to come up with memorable KTEs?
No matter what we do, they'll always remember this one.

Later

[Lefty Specialist]

Awesome. The Centaur will haunt my dreams all weekend.

Raissman's article was stupid, but I couldn't help but wonder what kind of a call Sterling would do for a Duda home run.....would he really sing 'Camptown Races'? I'm guessing he would, since he already channels his inner Sammy Davis every time Granderson hits a dinger.

[Frayed Knot]

TV viewing options for out-of-towners w/o the Extra-innings package:

Friday -- MLBN at 7 PM EDT. I believe this one will be broadcast nationally so everyone should get it. Probably they'll just pick up one of the local feeds but you'll have to tune in to find out which.

Saturday -- FOX network at 7PM EDT, subject, as always, to regionalization - see other thread to see if your area is getting this game or some inferior one instead.

Sunday -- TBS at 1PM EDT. National broadcast so available to all. Network announcers but usually not bad and will probably include Darling.

[seawolf17]

Thought Sunday was flexed to the night game, no?

[Benjamin Grimm]

I've never heard John Sterling or Michael Kay, and I don't think I've heard Suzyn Waldman's voice (other than that "goodness gracious" clip) in decades.

What I do know, though, is that I don't want them polluting my Mets telecast. Let them stay in their YES booth. I don't need to hear them.

[Ceetar]

seawolf17 wrote: Thought Sunday was flexed to the night game, no?

That was the series at Citi.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

And I swear I thought you were making up the home run calls until I got to A-Rod. Then I thought you were making them up again when I got to Granderson. Then I laughed so hard I woke two napping people when I got to the pool picture.

The power and the glory are yours. I can't believe I have to follow this.

[bmfc1]

All 3 games are on "national TV":
Friday: MLB Network with Costas and Katt
Sautrday: FOX with Buck and McCarver
Sunday: TBS with Steve Physioc and John Smoltz (Ugh!)

[TransMonk]

This is my least favorite series of the year. Even with access on national TV, I think I'll be skipping most of it.