News From the Onion

[Guest Rotblatt]

A couple good stories today, so I decided to start a thread.

Dusty Baker Not Worried About Cubs' Hot Start

April 13, 2006

CHICAGO—Despite their impressive 4-2 start and the
fact that their pitching and offense appears to be clicking on all cylinders,
Cubs manager Dusty Baker said Wednesday that he has "no doubt" that his team
will be able to turn things around in time to miss the playoffs.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Dusty-Baker.article.jpg

 

"I know things look good right now, and you hate to see Cubs
fans get encouraged early, but I'm certain that things will straighten
themselves out and we'll be in third place by early May," Baker said at a press
conference Wednesday. "With the talent and drive we lack, it's foolish to think
that this team can continue playing at this rate all year."

"If it's September and we're still atop the division
standings? Then we'll start panicking," Baker added.

In their disappointing series sweep of the rival Cardinals
last weekend, the Cubs did all the little things right, winning ballgames with
a combination of solid pitching, good defense, and timely
hitting—fundamentals that Baker says his team will eventually ignore as
the season goes on.

"The guys are in a bit of a groove right now, but they'll
snap out of it," Baker said. "It's early yet. There's still plenty of time to
get back off track and give the fans the kind of season they've come to know
and expect."

"I'd love to go out there and lose all 162 games for this
city, but both the players and the fans know that's not possible no matter how
bad you are," he added.

Longtime Cubs fans have echoed Baker's sentiments, saying
that, despite the emergence of Derrek Lee as a triple-crown threat and the
acquisition of a top leadoff hitter in Juan Pierre, they still have complete
faith that the Cubs have what it takes to make it all the way to October
without ever factoring into the playoff picture.

"Sure, other teams may look just as awful on paper, but the
Cubs have all the intangibles; the inability to play as a cohesive unit,
management that always seems to make the wrong moves, a storied history of
crushing, tragic defeats despite favorable odds," said Chicago-area resident
Matt Grant. "No winning streak can get that lose-at-any-cost mentality out of
our Cubbies' heads."

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/dusty-sidebar-d_0.png

"This is the year," Grant added. "This is the year we extend
our World Series drought to 98 years."

Baker cited several other reasons he thinks the Cubs will
work into a slump and quickly get back under .500, including his inexperienced
pitching staff returning to their usual form, his plan to rush injured stars
Mark Prior and Kerry Wood back to action in time to inflame their injuries and
cause enough arm damage to make them miss the entire season, and the fact that
his son Darren is now older and larger than he was in the 2002 playoffs, and
therefore capable of more effectively obstructing the basepaths while his team
is trying to score.

Although his harshest critics say that the Cubs appear to be
doing everything right so far, Baker points to Tuesday's 9-2 drubbing at the
hands of the Cincinnati Reds as a clear indication that his team is moving in
the right direction.

"Tuesday's loss was a prime example of the kind of baseball
this team is capable of playing on a regular basis," Baker said of the game in
which the Cubs managed to score only two runs while leaving 15 men on base and
allowing six home runs. "The key is that this was a balanced attack against us.
Any team can allow a big inning;as we did in the five-run sixth that
featured a grand slam;but the Reds also scored a run in each of the first
four frames. If we can consistently take that kind of well-rounded beating;and
if any team can do it, it's us;I truly think we can lose 90 games."

Baker said that, although the box scores show that the Cubs
won four of the first six games, in reality, they had the opportunity to lose
"any or all of them."

"Unfortunately, we just happened to get some lucky breaks,
some good bounces, and had some calls go our way;over the course of a
long season, that's gonna happen to any team a few times," Baker said. "We'll
be fine, though."

He added: "Talk to me in June."

[Guest Rotblatt]

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Sidebox-Anna-Benson.sports_frontpage_thumbnail.jpg

Anna Benson�s Comments
Used As Excuse To Run
Anna Benson�s Photo

[Centerfield]

Fantastic. Love the blurb about Prior.

[Guest cooby]

Even Dusty would have to laugh at that

[Guest Rotblatt]

Frank Robinson Spends One-Game Suspension Clenching Fists In Anger

April 13, 2006
HOUSTON; Suspended for his role in the Mets-Nationals brawl last week, Washington manager Frank Robinson opted to serve his suspension during Monday's game against the Astros, which he watched alone while standing atop the darkened rafters of Minute Maid Park with his hands tightly clenched in fists of silent, barely contained rage for the entirety of the three-hour contest. "While it is preferable that managers serving a suspension are kept out of the ballpark to keep them from relaying signals to their team, Mr. Robinson's anger-induced catatonic state prevented him from doing so even if he tried," said Bob Watson, MLB's vice president in charge of discipline, who in the third inning sent a team of security officials to monitor Robinson and prevent him from taking out his anger on fans, players, private property, or himself. "However, we are investigating a possible link between the changing of Nationals pitchers and the audible low-frequency rumble of grinding teeth emanating from the rafters, which could result in a further suspension, fine, or confiscation of Mr. Robinson's stress ball." Robinson returned to the dugout for the Nationals' Tuesday afternoon loss to the Mets, during which he repeated many of the same actions.

[Guest Rotblatt]

Pedro Martinez Credits Success To Lucky Midget, Sun God, Magic Beads

NEW YORK; In an interview following his 200th career win Monday night, Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez said he never could have reached this milestone without the aid of his lucky midget, the Egyptian sun god Ra, and every person and thing who helped him along the way, including an enchanted necklace, former British prime minister Arthur Neville Chamberlain, and a talking whale who lives off the coast of his native Dominican Republic that only he can communicate with.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Pedro-Martinez.article.jpg

"To make it this far in this sport, it takes a whole lot of luck, and this has been provided to me by my lucky midget," Martinez said, referring to either two-foot-tall dwarf Nelson de la Rosa, who accompanied him during the Red Sox's historic World Series run in 2004, or one of the 12 other midgets whom Martinez has used as a mascot at various points during his 15-year career.

"Over the years, I've learned the secret to longevity in this game: Whenever your mechanics aren't working or your shoulder starts tightening up during starts, it's time to get a new lucky midget," said Martinez, whose midget friends have each "disappeared" following their dismissal, although Martinez's critics note that the drained corpses of midgets identified as his former good-luck charms have been found on ancient Egyptian holy sites at times coinciding with the start of spring training or immediately following prolonged slumps. "You can't rely on the same old midget for your whole career."

Martinez, who has compiled the highest winning percentage of any pitcher with at least 200 wins, claims that the main influence on his pitching style;and the most important presence in his life;is Ra, the Egyptian sun god of Heliopolis.

"Ra is always looking down on me, beaming with pride, and making me a much better pitcher—especially in day games when he casts a shadow between the mound and home plate," Martinez said. "When I point my fingers up and look skyward after a big out, I am thanking Ra for his help. Oh, and sometimes I'm asking the countenance of Juan Marichal that appears to me in the north sky what pitch I should start the next batter off with. He speaks to me through the stars."

"This is much more specific and tactical in nature than the lucky help provided by midgets," Martinez explained.

According to Martinez, the game of baseball is 90 percent mental, so even if a pitcher "summons the physical energy running through all the ley lines of the Earth," he still has to be able to outsmart hitters using good old-fashioned necromantic mind-reading.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Pedro-Martinez-Jump.article.jpgMartinez and Nelson de la Rosa, one of his many lucky midgets.

"Sometimes, when I'm looking for that last bit of strength to strike a batter out late in the game, I'll turn to my secret weapon: a magical necklace," Martinez said, referring to a string of glowing colored beads given to him during his rookie season by someone Martinez would only describe as "a mysterious stranger who I met in the Caverns of Sorrow during a dark time in my life." "Also, when I'm in a tight, pressure-packed situation, my invincibility goggles give me the supreme, unwavering confidence I need to get out of the inning."

"And I must add that what really pumps me up is knowing that all my fans in my home planet are cheering their loudest for me," added Martinez, who is able to hear the cheers of the angelic Chiroptera of Martinez-Prime through an omniwave radio receiver installed in the metal spikes of his cleats.

Martinez, whose career ERA stands at 2.72, credits a portion of his success to his "quirky pregame rituals," which include wrapping his right arm in a poultice of live caterpillars, bathing in a tub of ice-cold buttermilk, and hoisting a midget over his head while standing in the first row of Shea Stadium's upper deck and reciting incantations from The Ancient And Accepted Scottish Rite Of Freemasonry.

"I'm very superstitious—unless all my sasquatch-tallow candles are lit in the correct order by the trained familiar-monkeys only I can see, I'm not going to be comfortable on the mound," Martinez said.

Among other reasons that Martinez believes he's been able to maintain such a consistent level of success during his career are the beneficent gaze of Azazel, the archangel that Adam has set to watch over Those Who Pitch; hard work and proper nutrition on the part of his midget; and the inspiration of growing up watching and reading about "all the greats," including I.M. Pei, Nikola Tesla, and the ancient race of star-pilots who guide the Earth in its cosmic course from their seats deep within the planet's core.

Martinez made sure to thank his fans and midgets profusely, and added that his quest for 300 career wins will be made easier by the fact that he daily places his faith and trust in his personal savior, Jesus Christ.

[Guest Giant Squidlike Creature]

Rotblatt wrote: and a talking whale who lives off the coast of his native Dominican Republic that only he can communicate with.

Tsk, Squid knows that whale and he can take him down any time any place with 6 tentacles tied behind his back.

[Willets Point]

F*#!

[Guest Rotblatt]

Royals Hire Tom Emanski To Teach Them Fundamentals Of Baseball

June 1, 2006

| Onion Sports

KANSAS CITY--With their offense floundering, their pitching the league's worst, and their footwork on double-play balls atrocious, the Royals (12-37) announced Sunday that former youth-baseball coach and instructional-videotape producer Tom Emanski would join the team in a specially created fundamentals-coaching role, designed to help the Royals get back to basics and start playing winning baseball the Tom Emanski way.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Kansas-City-Royals.article.jpg

Royals outfielders before they started practicing Tom Emanski's patented "Call Off Drill."

Royals owner David Glass reportedly contacted Emanski after watching his team suffer an embarrassing 15-4 loss against the Yankees on Saturday. After viewing tapes of this and past games, and noting that his players were displaying poor mechanics in the second phase of their relay throws, were failing to execute the "call the cutoff" play, and were not hitting the baseball, Glass immediately hired Emanski—the man whose patented practice techniques once produced back-to-back-to-back AAU national champions—in what analysts are calling a last-ditch effort to turn the Royals season around.

"From everything I've heard, Mr. Emanski sounds like a wonderful asset for any team—a must-have for players and coaches alike," Glass said as he observed his players sitting in a circle and rolling baseballs to one another, an exercise Emanski says "fosters teamwork and teaches players how to field ground balls"—two of the many basic skills that have been noticeably absent from the Royals 2006 season.

"Tom has a proven track record at molding young, inexperienced athletes into major-league-caliber baseball players," Glass added. "I'm just hoping he can do the same with our Kansas City Royals."

Emanski said he welcomed the challenge of working with the Royals, and vowed that, if the players follow his revolutionary training methods, he will be able to add 6 mph of arm strength to each starting pitcher in five weeks, cut down on the team's mental errors, and "take the mystery out of hitting."

"The first thing I did after Sunday's game was gather the players and ask all 25 of them what each one thinks is the most important part of baseball, and an astounding 21 of them said 'hitting home runs,' including seven pitchers," said Emanski, who stressed to them that "defense wins ballgames." "The second thing I did was line them up against the fence and hit sharp line drives at them from 20 feet away to improve their reaction time."

"It's called the Missile Drill," Emanski added. "Builds team character."

Before Monday's game, Emanski taught the Kansas City infielders and outfielders how to properly throw a baseball, outlining the three main steps to making strong, accurate throws—the "stride and set," the "90-degree hip swivel," and the "full, fluid follow-through."

"It was a little rough going for some of the guys, but we're taking it slow," Emanski said. "I think now it might be time to let up a little bit and switch gears into 'Encouragement Mode' for a few games to get their confidence back up."

"Coach Emanski taught me that, when I'm fielding the ground ball, I should stay down, stick my butt out, and count the hops," said shortstop Angel Berroa, explaining the method Emanski designed to help Little Leaguers and Royals infielders watch the ball all the way into their glove. "Once Coach Emanski also taught me how to count, the technique worked out great."

Although most players are reportedly "learning a lot" from Emanski, claiming his methods are "fun, educational, and make good baseball sense," some of the Royals veterans are resistant to throwing away everything they know about baseball in order to be taught these new fundamentals.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Tom-Emanski.article.jpg

"I don't see how trying to throw balls into a metal garbage can laid out behind home plate is going to help my defense," said Royals right fielder Reggie Sanders, who has yet to record a single outfield assist since July 12, 2005. "Tom says it will be more rewarding once I start actually getting the throws to go into the cans, but I'm beginning to think that it's impossible."

"I'm not going to stand around hitting off a kid's tee—I'm a professional baseball player," said Royals first-baseman and No. 3 hitter Doug Mientkiewicz, who is batting .258 on the season with one home run and 14 RBI. "This is an insult."

The afternoon after speaking to reporters, Mientkiewicz lost his temper during B.P. and swung as hard as he could, missing the ball completely but creating enough of a breeze to gently knock the ball off its stand. Emanski had to restrain him from angrily swinging his bat at the tee in an attempt to break it, and told Mientkiewicz to take a lap around the field to calm down.

"In this game, attitude is key," Emanski said. "Some of the guys get angry or upset when we're doing Greenie Board Batting Practice, in which I give each player five swings, and I rate each swing on a zero-to-four scale. But I believe this is the only way they'll ever learn to swing through the ball."

"Of course, even if you master all the fundamental drills—the Bare Hand Drill, Soft Toss Creep, 'V' Drill, 'X' Drill, and Rocket Relay—there is still the issue of talent," Emanski added. "I'm no miracle worker. But, with a lot of hard work and a little luck, I truly believe that a few of these Royals will someday have the skills you need to play in the major leagues."

[Elster88]

]"The second thing I did was line them up against the fence and hit sharp line drives at them from 20 feet away to improve their reaction time."

LMFAO

[Guest Rotblatt]

MLB Fines Russ Springer Negative $50,000 For Throwing At Bonds

May 25, 2006 | Onion Sports

HOUSTON�Astros relief pitcher Russ Springer has been awarded $50,000, the largest negative fine in baseball history, for intentionally throwing at Barry Bonds last Tuesday, the Astros reported. "After reviewing the tapes, there is no question in my mind that Springer purposefully attempted to strike Bonds, and therefore we have no choice but to give him the stiffest negative financial penalty possible," MLB vice president of on-field discipline Bob Watson said Wednesday. "Rest assured that we intend to deal with similar assaults on Bonds in at least this aggressive a fashion." Springer has said that he does not intend to contest either his fine or the mandatory five-day Tahitian resort suspension he has been scheduled to serve this offseason.

[Guest OlerudOwned]

The Mientkewicz part is awesome

[A Boy Named Seo]

Mackey Sasser (remember him?) was on the juice!

[Guest Rotblatt]

]TBS's Department Of Humor Analysis Fails To Find Humor In Braves Games June 22, 2006 | Onion Sports ATLANTA�With the Braves recently sinking into last place in the National League East, the TBS network's in-house Department Of Humor Analysis is having difficulty figuring out what is "very funny" about Atlanta Braves baseball. "Being the worst team in their division is a little funny, I suppose," said DHA head analyst John Cleese, who had just finished analyzing several scenes from Dumb And Dumber. "But seeing as how the team combines their dismal won-loss record with a total lack of personality, well, even the famed quantum humorists at our prestigious Department Of Humor Analysis can't find anything funny about that." Cleese added that, even if their season continues to go poorly or they find some miraculous way to win, the depression or euphoria that would inevitably follow might be better suited for broadcast on TNT, which claims to "know drama."

[Guest Rotblatt]

]Disabled List Offers Mark Prior Two-Year, $8 Million Extension June 29, 2006 | Onion Sports CHICAGO�Mark Prior, the right-handed pitcher who has spent the first few years of his career on the disabled list, is now considering accepting a recent two-year, $8 million offer from the DL that would keep him not playing through the 2008 season. "I couldn't even imagine the DL without Mark Prior�over the years, he has become the face, stiff right elbow, strained subscapularis muscle, and inflamed Achilles tendon of our organization," said Kirk Gibson, manager and longtime former member of the DL, which is currently rebuilding by claiming young arms such as Kerry Wood, Ben Sheets, and Mike Maroth. "We firmly believe that Mark's best injuries are still ahead of him." While Prior's agent says the pitcher is exploring his options, experts predict that it is "inevitable" that Prior will return to the DL and, with the loyalty he's shown in the past, likely finish his career there.

[nymr83]

i just cracked up laughing in the middle of the library, fuckin onion!

[Willets Point]

PNC Park Threatens to Leave Pittsburgh.


"PNC Park has already established a good rapport and budding friendship with this year's Home Run Derby runner-up David Wright�the bedrock of our team's stability"

[Elster88]

The Onion is filtered these days.

[metirish]

] Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy July 20, 2006 | Onion Sports MILWAUKEE�After four years in which the outcome of the All-Star Game determined home-field advantage in the World Series, Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that Major League Baseball will attempt to increase fan interest by allowing the game's outcome to determine the direction of the United States foreign policy. "We have been working closely with the players' union and the State Department to align opposing theories of American involvement overseas with our two leagues," Selig said in a press conference Tuesday. "Since 'This Time It Counts' didn't resonate with the fans, we're hoping that 'All-Star Game 2007: The Fate Of The Free World Hangs In The Balance' will build more excitement." Although the exact details of the plan have yet to be determined, Selig said that a National League victory would almost certainly result in completely open borders, renewed relations with Cuba, and the withdrawal of coalition forces from Iraq.

] Brett Myers Atones For Punching Wife With Solid Seven-Inning Outing July 20, 2006 | Onion Sports SAN FRANCISCO�Three weeks after hitting his wife on a Boston street, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers made up for the costly miscue by coming back strong and tossing seven quality innings en route to a 6-2 victory over the Giants Sunday. "When you let your emotions get the best of you and make a silly error like Brett did when he repeatedly struck his wife in the face, the only way to atone for it is to get right back on the baseball field, put that past performance behind you, and pitch deep into an important game while maintaining consistent velocity and pinpoint control," manager Charlie Manuel said. "This outing is exactly what Bretty needed to get the fans to stop thinking about him as someone who physically abuses his spouse." Philadelphia fans and media, who had earlier called for a public apology from Myers, have dropped this demand in light of Myers' impressive total of seven strikeouts. More From the Sports Wire

[Guest cooby]

Charlie Manuel going out to pull his pitcher has got to be one of the funniest sights in baseball

[Guest Rotblatt]

This one might be my favorite so far.

]Experts: 'Derek Jeter Probably Didn't Need To Jump To Throw That Guy Out' August 3, 2006 | Onion Sports BRISTOL, CT�Baseball experts agreed Sunday that Derek Jeter, who fielded a routine ground ball during a regular-season game in which the Yankees were leading by five runs and then threw it to first base using one of his signature leaps, did not have to do that to record the out. "If it had been a hard-hit grounder in the hole or even a slow dribbler he had to charge, that would've been one thing," analyst John Kruk said during a broadcast of Baseball Tonight. "But when it's hit right to him by [Devil Rays first-baseman] Greg Norton, a guy who has no stolen bases and is still suffering the effects of a hamstring injury sustained earlier this year� Well, that's a different story." Jeter threw out Norton by 15 feet and pumped his fist in celebration at the end of the play.

[Willets Point]

Yah, I put that one in the MFY thread, but it's good here too.

[Centerfield]

I love it.

[metirish]

Very very funny

http://www.theonion.com/content/sports

[TransMonk]

The Mets deal for two fresh arms, then surgically attach them to Victor Zambrano

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51322

[Guest OlerudOwned]

Cincinnati Reds Volunteer To Win NL Central

August 17, 2006 | Onion Sports

CINCINNATI�The Cincinnati Reds (61-58) officially put their names forward as 2006 NL Central division champions Wednesday, after sensing that if they didn't offer to finish in first place, no one would. "We just figured that the Cardinals would do it again since they've been the ones doing it the past couple years, but they don't really seem to want to this season," Reds manager Jerry Narron said. "It's been a while since we came in first, so I guess it's our turn. No way are we doing it next year, though." Narron and his team also volunteered to get swept by the Mets in the first round of the playoffs.

[Elster88]

]Narron and his team also volunteered to get swept by the Mets in the first round of the playoffs

I love it.

[Willets Point]

Ouch (not the Onion but close enough).

[Guest Edgy DC]

Strange that they should pick on Omar Moreno, as he only played a half season with Kansas City. Maybe they're thinking of Willie Wilson.

[MFS62]

Willets Point wrote: Ouch (not the Onion but close enough).

Once you get to that site, this linked story was pretty funny, too.
Barry Bonds To Try Hand At Drug Trafficking

Later