"So I was at CitiField the other day, all psyched to see R.A. Dickey. And I'm heading through the turnstiles, and who do you think is ripping my ticket? R.A. Fucking Dickey, that's who! I'm thinking, 'that's strange.' Before getting to my seat, I want to grab a beer. And wouldn't you know that it's R.A. Dickey pouring the fucking beer. Smooth, too. Not too much head. And he's pouring the good stuff, too. I don't go up to the Budweiser counter. Maybe Hefner is over there pouring that shit, I don't know. Anyhow, we settle into our seats, and R.A. Dickey is introducing the lineup, exorting cheers from the crowd, wiping down the odd wet seat for a latecoming patron. He sings the Nationalfucking Anthem, and he don't cheat on the high notes, neither. I get a tear in my eye, because, you know, my father served in Korea, and then he introduces himself as he jogs out to the mound." "You'd think it would come off as arrogant, but it wasn't. Because he's Dickey. Fuck 'em all, he's fucking DICKEY, you know? Here I am, calling in to FAN the night before, saying 'Terry has to use this guy as much as he can --- let him carry the team as far as he can.' Maybe Terry was listening, maybe he wasn't, but here he's giving Dickey a chance to carry the whole goddam organization. I'm half wondering if he's gonna do some Bugs Bunny shit out there by playing every position. But he doesn't. Because that would be stupid." "But he gets through the first inning untouched with two strikeouts because, you know, he's ridiculously awesome. Makes Adam Jones look like a piece of shit. Punk that guy is. In my day, I tell you.... Anyhow, he gets Jones and starts walking to the dugout, and then walks right past it, through the gate, into the stands and starts in with what I can only call his 'between-innings duties.' He's signing copies of his book, he's shooting fucking tee shirts, he's selling popcorn, he's giving advice on filling out my All Star ballot. Fuck you, Jason Bay, I'm not voting for you." "Second inning, he throws a few out of the strike zone, and then he has sort of a visit to the mound with himself. It culminates with him rolling his eyes back in his head like Luke FUCKIN' Skywalker using the force. And then bam! thwak! pow! Baltimore Orioles are going down like nameless Joker henchmen in Batman. The Adam West one. The only one. That one they're doing now is sick shit. I won't let my kid watch that shit." "Third inning, he's in the booth filling in for Darling. Saying something about critical theory with regards to the hit-and-run. He's of the Horkheimer school while Mex was sticking with Walter Benjamin. Heady stuff that was about two beers past me, but impressive nonetheless. Fourth inning, he's throwing on the side. HE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A GODDAM START and he's THROWING ON THE SIDE to get ready for his next start!" "He completes the game, strikes out everybody, drives in three runs, stabs a liner behind his back like he's Curly Neal, coaches third during the eighth-inning rally. I don't know what he's doing between the other innings --- scanning the waiver wires, negotiating his contract on behalf of the team with his own agent, doing a neurological workup on Jayson Bay, I don't know. I swear he was probably wiping babies' asses at the Koala Kare station. But anybody who says that calling in to WFAN is a waste of time is full of it. We're riding Dickey 'til he drops. I had a great night, drank way too many beers, and I'm feeling no pain." "Listen, I've got to go now, I'm home. Yeah, she's gonna be pissed, but fuck it. Third house on the left, R.A."