Other A-Rod Apologies

[Edgy MD]

To All My Fans,

Beyond what I apologized for yesterday, I'd like to apologize for the slap play. That was bush. Like, seriously bush. I know you have every reason not to believe me, but I'm going to contritely try to make up for that.

Sincerely,

Alex

---

To All My Fans,

I think I may have wrapped up my prior letter too early. Because after submitting it to the media, I went looking at old photos. Look at this one. What a tool!

[fimg=250]http://www.thepritchettlawfirm.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/arod-cigar1.jpg[/fimg]

I humbly apologize.

Sincerely, Alex

[A Boy Named Seo]

Dear Fans,

A couple years back, a story leaked that I commissioned a piece of art where I am depicted as a centaur, and that I hung that piece of art above my bed.

This, regrettably, was true.

People joked that I used these paintings to inspire sexual inspiration in both myself and my partners (who included Madonna and Kate Hudson, if you'll recall), and this is, of course, is un-regrettably true. The only thing that would turn me on more than the Material Girl's sinewy body was a picture of myself as a man-horse. I mean, shit, that is 5-alarm-fire hot.

But I now see the error of my ways and would like to say I'm sorry for the way this painting has allowed my fans to view me over the years. While a horse is a strong and virile creature, I imagine that if I had depicted myself as a golden eagle or better yet, a shark, that the perception of me now would be one not only of virility and strength, but that of a feared and dangerous predator, as well. Plus, they swim really, really fast and a pregnant female can give birth to up to 100 baby sharks! That is some sexual potency right there!

So I apologize to my fans and ask in the future that when they think of Alex Rodriguez, to think of him as a vicious, vigourous half-man, half-great white shark, who swims really really fast and lays shit tons of eggs.

Thank you,

Alex

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

I'm sorry for how things worked out between us, Cynthia; I think things would've worked out a lot better if I'd gotten my own house in order and been able to give you what you needed-- the necessary supplements and "masking agents" to transform your body into the blonde-Kentucky-Derby-contender-type shape that keeps my sexual interest.

Also, I'm sorry for taking your mound, Dallas Braden.

[Ceetar]

I'd like to get a fresh start this year. Let's put all transgressions behind us like they never happened and focus on 2015. To this end, Joe Girardi will switch back to uniform number #27, if it hasn't yet been retired for Graeme Lloyd.

Your New DH,

Alex

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

Dear Barnum & Bailey,

Im sorry I ordered that tent and then didn't pick it up. It was premature.

Alex

[Centerfield]

Hi guys. Alex here. Sorry about starting the whole "first initial of my first name, first syllable of my last name" nicknames. I know it sucks. I suck.

Sorry.

[Centerfield]

To Toronto third baseman Howie Clark, I'm sorry for yelling "MINE!" while rounding third base, causing you to abandon the pop up.

That was a real douchebag move. Sorry.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

I'm sorry about ruining the good name of Miamians everywhere with my shallow values, nouveau-riche money-splashing, my-body-is-a-temple-to-me conceitedness, and general tackniess.

Also, I'm sorry about eating that popcorn from Cameron Diaz' toes on TV or something. The funny thing is, I don't even like popcorn-- I prefer eating protein powder, or my own figurative penis. And Nobu's fatty toro-- that's the tastiest sushi, I've been told by people I pay to tell me what I like.

[Edgy MD]

So I told Kate, "No, that's a great look for you. Everybody will think so."



I'm deeply sorry.

Sincerely,

Alex

[A Boy Named Seo]

Speaking of tackiness, I would like to apologize to the decade, the 90's, for keeping my frosted-tip hairdo for well past a duration of time that could be considered by any reasonable person as 'acceptable'. I realize in doing so, I've also delayed the inevitable resurgence of this truly beautiful hair style, as other fashion staples of that era have begun to make their cyclical return to prominence.

The President has already made Bugle Boy-style jeans super hot again, and it would have been perfect for the A-ROD brand to be synonymous with the OBAMA brand. Regrettably, I've missed this opportunity.

Signed,

Bummed in the Bronx

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

Edgy MD wrote: So I told Kate, "No, that's a great look for you. Everybody will think so." I'm deeply sorry. Sincerely, Alex

OH YEAH, that reminds me... I'm sorry for ruining Kate Hudson. Y'know, again.

[Lefty Specialist]

Dear Mr. Varitek:

Please allow me to apologize for letting my face get in the way of those strong, burly hands.



Alex

[Fman99]

Dear Derek,

I know, it's been 15 years, and you've never returned my calls, or answered my letters, regardless of how much perfume I've sprayed on them. And I know, despite winning a ring together in 2009, that you've never really forgiven me for rolling you in Esquire magazine, when I said, you know, well, here, let me dig up the article, since I saved so many copies of it.

I said this, if you don't recall.

douchenozzle q. butternuts wrote: Jeter �has never had to lead. He can just go and play and have fun. He hits second � that's totally different than third or fourth in the lineup. You go into New York, you wanna stop Bernie [Williams] and Paul [O'Neill]. You never say, 'Don't let Derek beat us.' He's never your concern.�

Well I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry I said this. But, come on, dude, we've both been through so much since then. You banged all those women and gave them fruit baskets, and I banged all those women who look like Paul Orendorf in his heyday, but hey, the important thing here, is, uh, wait, where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Sorry I said mean things. Can you please forgive me? I'm tired of jerking off to your posters with the tape over the eyes so you can't see me.

Thanks, your bestest bud,

Alex-y-poo

[MFS62]

When I heard the charges against me, I never thought they would have evidence. I'm sorry for believing that my information would be protected under HIPAA. That'll tech me for believing in the law. It will never happen again. And to my supplier who will be looking at striped sunlight for the next four years, I promise to visit you in the slammer.

Alex

[A Boy Named Seo]

Paul Orendorf... Lololol

[metirish]

Great thread, guy just keeps on giving....

[Edgy MD]

I'd like to apologize for my substandard contribution to children's literature. I went into this new venture with the highest of expectations, intending to add the Newberry Medal to my pile of MVPs. I did not know at the time that there is no pharmaceutical that enhances a person's performance in crafting pre-school level verse. I should have researched this before entering into this venture.



I basically produced a $17.95 coffee coaster. For this, I am deeply sorry.

Sincerely,

Alex

[Centerfield]

Um, I'd like to apologize for this picture.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... and this one...

Edited February 19, 2015 by Guest

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... and this one...

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... and this one.



Because if there's one thing with which I'm concerned, it's looking bad, or so my advisors tell me.