KTE MFY - Dignity, in words and images

[Fman99]

Scene: Mens' restroom, YS III (aka "The House that Boone Logan Built").

A solitary figure, standing at the urinal, back to the camera, talking to a pair of shoes in the nearby stall.

"You know, John, this promises to be a great series this week, what with the Mets coming to town. I haven't been this excited since that weekend I spent in Vermont with Tom Tresh and his brother and uncle and that vat of cream cheese."

Voice from stall.



"Agreed, Suze. Hey, while you're hanging your hog out there, let me bounce some of my latest home run calls off of you. I got this one for Brian McCann (.209 BA/.243 OBP/.345 SLG, 4 HR, 12 RBI)... 'It's high, it is far, it is GONE! Brian McCAN DO IT!"



"He sure can, John! He and I had a little rendezvous in the parking lot last night, and I can tell you, he's all man. He McCann stick things into my McAss!"



"Um, all right. For Teix (Mark Teixeira, .254/.383/.507, 5 HR, 13 RBI) I have this little gem. You'll like this more than you like anti itch creme, Suzie. It goes like this. 'And it's GONE! You can Teix-share-uh the happiness with me!'"



"Oh, John, that is just great. Better even than the time that Roger Maris slapped my ass 61 times."



"You know, Suzie, this turd here I just deuced looks a lot like Brian Roberts (.262/.336/.327, 1 HR, 7 RBI, 4 SB). And my new call for Roberts' home run trot is way less odorous than this lumpage, check it out... 'He just 'Robbed' that pitcher of his ERA!'"



"Wow, nice, John! Hang on a second, I just dropped my contacts in the urinal here, let me fish them out.





"While you're sucking on the hepatitis mint over there, Suzie, let's talk about Yangervis Solarte (.306/.391/.439, 1 HR, 15 RBI) at third! This guy is really doing a great job of carrying A-Rod's jock around, and this new homer call I've devised is equally super great. 'IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS GONE! THAT A-LARTE OF DISTANCE THERE!'"



"Wow, you're getting it done, John, much like the time I played hide the baloney with Steve Balboni."



"And, in left field, Brett Gardner's had some success early his year (.282/.347/.336, 1 HR, 11 RBI, 17 R, 7 SB). He doesn't go deep often but I've cooked this little number up..."



"Oh, he goes deeper than you think, John!"





"How about this kid Ellsbury? Having a good start so far (.317/.380/.463, 1 HR, 14 RBI, 10 SB, 18 R). My newest home run call is a doozy, too... IT IS GONE! HE ELLS-BURIED THAT ONE IN THE UPPER DECK!"



"Speaking of burying things, did I ever tell you about the time that Roy Smalley made me dress up like a garbage man? I took him to the dump that day, if you know what I'm saying."



"Suzyn, you are a beast. How about these old fogeys Beltran (.241/.291/.448, 5, 14) and Soriano (.238/.272/.413, 5, 13) at RF and DH? They're not hitting for average but at least there are lots of long balls coming off their bats."



"Speaking of long balls, John, let me tell you about that week I spent in Cancun with Hensley Meulens. That guy was all Meul!"





"Hey, granny panties, take it down a peg. Let's look over this week's pitchers coming up. Monday night we've got Colon going against Hiroki Kuroda (2-3 W-L, 4.43 ERA, 1.24 WHIP). He's been shaky this week, much like your accent."



"I know it John! He's been messier than a Jim Leyritz breathalyzer!"



"Tuesday night looks like more of the same, young Vidal Nino (1-0, 5.47, 1.5 WHIP) against Zach Wheeler for the Metsies. This Nino hasn't shown much yet but I'm hoping he can turn it around."



"Oh, he's shown more than you think, John! I haven't had so much action since that time that Oscar Gamble bought me those Afro merkins!"



"Just damn, woman! When we switch to Queens on Thursday we'll have Mejia up against rookie sensation Masahiro Tanaka! Since they'll be playing with real baseball rules, I've come up with a home run call for him. IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... GONE! WE'RE HOLDING OUT FOR MASA-HERO!"



"Impressive stuff, John! The last thing that impressed me that much was Luis Polonia's pole."



"I bet, you deranged slab of man-ham. Then, on Thursday, we've got Dillon Gee up against gastropod C.C. Sabathia. He's got a couple of career homers, so I hope to break out this little chestnut. IT IS GONE! SEE-SEE YOU LATER, YOU BALL!"



"Maybe your finest work yet, John. Nearly as fine as the time that I went all goopy all over Danny Tartabull's Chevy Impala. I was wetter than the body in Mariano's pool that day, mister."



"Hopefully, Suzyn, you weirdo, we get to see a lot of appearances from new closer David Robertson (1.13 ERA, 5 SV). He's back from an injury and performing yeoman's work as the primary fireman."



"Speaking of putting out fires, let me tell you about the burning I feel when I pee! It's been like that ever since I got dragged off into the storage closet with Ichiro (.373 BA, 19 hits, 15 singles off the bench). Now it burns and it 'itches-iro' in my 'vagina-ro!' Not only that, John, but I can confirm and dispel some of the myths about Asian men. Yes, his pubic hair is all straight as a pin. That's no joke. But Ichiro is well equipped, don't get the wrong idea. He's the best equipped guy this side of Charlie Samuels."



"Well, I think we've spent enough time in the toilet, don't you, Suze?"



"I sure do, John! I'm finally done letting it drip and I'm ready to call a game. I haven't been this ready since Michael Pineda let me apply pine tar to his..."



"OK, enough already! You goon. I can't handle it any more."

[Lefty Specialist]

I tell ya, tears are streaming down my face I'm laughing so hard.

[MFS62]

As Suzyn said:

Maybe your finest work yet

And she may be right.
Classic.

Later

[Frayed Knot]

We expected nothing less.
And if you were expecting anything different, well you've only got yourself to blame for that.


Coupla notes:

CC Sabathia was placed (wouldn't 'Plopped' be more appropriate?) on the DL this weekend with 'fluid on the knee' (guess that weight loss thing was a case of TLTL, huh?). Alfredo Aceves, who is currently in the unlikely position of having gone directly from the Yanx to the Sawx and now back to the Yanx, is the likely replacement for Thursday's game.

The Mets seem to be up in the air over Wednesday's starter. Terry seems to be leaning towards the guy named 'Not Mejia', meaning either Dice-K or a call-up, but it's unclear whether Sandy is on board with that.

[Ceetar]

*giggles*

[metirish]

Excellent Fman...

[Guest Mets Guy in Michigan]

I had to stop reading about a third of the way through because I'm at work and laughing so loudly that people are wondering what is going on. And somehow, I don't think whatever explanation I try to come up with will keep me out of trouble.

Looking forward to reading this piece of badassocity when I get home!

[Frayed Knot]

On a side note, I can't remember a time when I knew less about the Yanqui's bullpen.
I mean I recognize names and such but, outside of Robertson, I don't know anything about who's good or what each of them throws, or how they're being used, or anything like that.
Looking at their stats it seems like they're doing decently as a group, but it's like they're just an anonymous bunch of interchangeable parts to me to the point where I'll have no sense of the strategic plusses or minuses whenever Girardi makes a pitching change or what we be a good counter-move for Terry.

Dellin Betances - the 6' 8" NYC-born righty who the MFY publicity machine hyped up as a coming star a few years back. He's now 26 y/o with 27 innings of ML time under his belt across pieces of three seasons

Matt Daley - Just called up to fill C. C.'s spot (but at 6'2"/180 not his pants). Pitched in one game earlier in the season and a few innings last years after spending pieces of three season with Colorado.

Shawn Kelly - Always good to see an Italian on the team. This 30 y/o, who went to the Yanx in 2013 after 4 seasons in Seattle, appears to be their main set-up guy these days.

Matt Thorton - Their only Lefty out there, he's a 37 y/o 11-year vet who was on the Red Sox last year, so naturally he's the one guy in the pen with the multi-year contract

Adam Warren - The other 7th/8th inning set-up-type guy.

Preston Clairborne - As LWFS said the other day, he sounds like the guy in your tennis club who cheats on line calls then insists on "air-drying" himself in the locker room. Was also with the Yanx last season though started this year in AAA Scranton. Has pitched in 7 MFY games to date.

[seawolf17]

metsguyinmichigan wrote: I had to stop reading about a third of the way through because I'm at work and laughing so loudly that people are wondering what is going on. And somehow, I don't think whatever explanation I try to come up with will keep me out of trouble.

This thread is my favorite thing about the MFY series every year. I'm dying here. The Sterling image is brilliant, especially coming after each Suzyn comment.

[Ceetar]

On a side note, I can't remember a time when I knew less about the Yanqui's bullpen. I mean I recognize names and such but, outside of Robertson, I don't know anything about who's good or what each of them throws, or how they're being used, or anything like that. Looking at their stats it seems like they're doing decently as a group, but it's like they're just an anonymous bunch of interchangeable parts to me to the point where I'll have no sense of the strategic plusses or minuses whenever Girardi makes a pitching change or what we be a good counter-move for Terry. Dellin Betances - the 6' 8" NYC-born righty who the MFY publicity machine hyped up as a coming star a few years back. He's now 26 y/o with 27 innings of ML time under his belt across pieces of three seasons Matt Daley - Just called up to fill C. C.'s spot (but at 6'2"/180 not his pants). Pitched in one game earlier in the season and a few innings last years after spending pieces of three season with Colorado. Shawn Kelly - Always good to see an Italian on the team. This 30 y/o, who went to the Yanx in 2013 after 4 seasons in Seattle, appears to be their main set-up guy these days. Matt Thorton - Their only Lefty out there, he's a 37 y/o 11-year vet who was on the Red Sox last year, so naturally he's the one guy in the pen with the multi-year contract Adam Warren - The other 7th/8th inning set-up-type guy. Preston Clairborne - As LWFS said the other day, he sounds like the guy in your tennis club who cheats on line calls then insists on "air-drying" himself in the locker room. Was also with the Yanx last season though started this year in AAA Scranton. Has pitched in 7 MFY games to date.

I always mean to pay more attention but usually don't. I look at the W: L: S: line on the at-bat app and frequently go "wtf is that?"

The Yankees are NOT a good team.

[Guest themetfairy]

Well played!

[Lefty Specialist]

Just glad I wore the Depends this morning.

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

Way over the top but worth it.

"Speaking of burying things, did I ever tell you about the time that Roy Smalley made me dress up like a garbage man? I took him to the dump that day, if you know what I'm saying."

[seawolf17]

John Cougar Lunchbucket wrote: Way over the top but worth it. "Speaking of burying things, did I ever tell you about the time that Roy Smalley made me dress up like a garbage man? I took him to the dump that day, if you know what I'm saying."

LOLOLOLOLOL

[Frayed Knot]

btw, youse outta town residents who don't always get games on TV (esp since PIX-11 is doing both Mon & Tues) might want to check out MLBN & ESPN this week.
ESPN is carrying Wednesday's game and I think MLBN is picking up both Tuesday's game and Thursday's (check your local listings).

[Guest Mets � Willets Point]

John is so shocked by everything Suzyn says.

I always feel dirty after reading these Yankees KTEs. I blame Bud Selig for introducing interleague play in the first place.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

I haven't said "Jesus" under my breath so much while reading something since my missallette-proofreading gig in college.

Afro merkins. Leyritz breathalyzers. Hensley Meulens. Good Lord, sir.

[G-Fafif]

And they say there's no juice left in the Subway Series.

[Edgy MD]

I'm kinda hoping Yankee fans raining crosstown boos down upon #3 gets him going.

[G-Fafif]

Edgy MD wrote: I'm kinda hoping Yankee fans raining crosstown boos down upon #3 gets him going.

He deserves it. Babe Ruth's hitting like he's been dead since 1948.

[Ceetar]

Edgy MD wrote: I'm kinda hoping Yankee fans raining crosstown boos down upon #3 gets him going.

And I hope the opposite ain't true for good 'ole #15.

[Guest d'Kong76]

Fman99 wrote: "Speaking of burying things, did I ever tell you about the time that Roy Smalley made me dress up like a garbage man? I took him to the dump that day, if you know what I'm saying."

I'm dying over here. Classikc!

[Farmer Ted]

Suzy still in the Pepitone Zone.

[Fman99]

Happy to entertain. Was most amused by the Meulens and Leyritz lines, but, honestly, they make it SO EASY.

[Frayed Knot]

Yanqui pen news: RP Shawn Kelley, not to be confused with infielder Kelly Johnson, goes to the DL with a "strained lumbar spine".
Reserve OF Zoilo Almonte is the call up. The 24 y/o (25 in a few weeks) Almonte got 106 ABs with the '13 Yanx [.236/.274/.302] and has an excellent chance to be the second best MLer named Zoilo ever.

[Zvon]

An instant CPF classic.

spit coffee at :

hide the baloney with Steve Balboni