Bartolo Colon is so fat...

[Centerfield]

...he broke his leg. You know what poured out? Gravy.


...he beeps when he walks backwards.


...Kirstie Alley makes fun of him.

[Centerfield]

...his picture shows up in my Spam with the caption "Trainers LOVE him!"

[Centerfield]

...he once ate Meatloaf by the dashboard light.

[Centerfield]

...he once tried high diving in Hawaii. Two days later, tsunami hit Japan.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... his moving to New York for the upcoming season was protested by City Harvest.

[Centerfield]

...Bloomberg tried to veto the deal. Bartolo ate him.

[Centerfield]

...he ate this post too.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Guest

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... Last year, he put up 3.9 WAR according to Fangraphs, 5.0 according to Baseball-Reference, and 6.7 according to Richter.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... I kid. For Bartolo to get above anything would require a forklift that doesn't yet exist.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... he rates restaurants according to utensil size and floor strength.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... his signing should help draw other free agents... gravitationally.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... his signing bonus is frosted and baked and it's a giant cookie. His signing bonus is a giant snickerdoodle cookie.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... his airplane seats don't creak, they curse.

[Lefty Specialist]

When his signing was announced, my cholesterol went up ten points.

[seawolf17]

... Mount Kilimanjaro is climbing HIM this offseason.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... his nickname in high school was "The High School."

[Lefty Specialist]

....he wears Chris Christie's hand-me-downs.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... his favorite catcher is a grease trap.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... his warm-ups take eight hours, over low heat, with occasional marinade-brushing.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... in order to get him through waivers, you have to grease the edges and hold a tub of sancocho on the other side.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... when he's traded, it's on the Chicago Merc.

[metirish]

........ he actually really does eat all those innings

[bmfc1]

... he didn't eat AT Shake Shack, he ATE the Shake Shack.

[batmagadanleadoff]

[Centerfield]

...ballpark stats have to be Bartolo-adjusted.

[Frayed Knot]

At the team mandated physical, both his blood pressure and chlorlestoral level figures had commas in them.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

... he pounds the strike zone because he's heard that will make it fork-tender.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Guest

[Centerfield]

...he ate all the Chuck Norris jokes. That's why you don't hear them anymore.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

He's a great clubhouse leader. When he steps onto the floor in there, teammates can't help but follow him into the breach.

[Lefty Specialist]

Newest dugout improvement? Monroe shock absorbers.