The Non-Championship Parade, 2013

[batmagadanleadoff]

1974. That was the first year you could buy all the cards at once, instead of one series at a time.

[G-Fafif]

Not content to merely fall in line behind the already-eliminated MFYs, the Kansas City Royals have prepared for their entry into the 2013 non-championship parade by bringing up Omaha coach Jerry Cram, who had been assigned to their famed Royals Baseball Academy for the fall, to coach their chosen standard-bearer, Ed Hearn. It is the Royals' hope that with a little extra tutoring, Hearn's team will march into the playoffs in 2014. This year, however, Kansas City was eliminated from championship consideration on September 25.

[Benjamin Grimm]

What's with that "Bust" bowl in the upper right corner of Ed Hearn's card??

[G-Fafif]

Benjamin Grimm wrote: What's with that "Bust" bowl in the upper right corner of Ed Hearn's card??

Busted!

[batmagadanleadoff]

Wait a second! Johnny Bench is a bust?


And Joe Namath?


So then, what chance did poor Ed Hearn ever have?

[G-Fafif]

I think the Bust-er has a bigger problem with the cards than the careers. Agreed the content does seem a bit snippy.

I'd more readily accept "BUST" for Ed Hearn coming from a Royals fan still licking wounds over the brilliant trade that sent David Cone to New York.

[MFS62]

Benjamin Grimm wrote: What's with that "Bust" bowl in the upper right corner of Ed Hearn's card??

I thought athletes earned that when they dated Morganna.
The male version of the Derek Jeter gift bag.

Later

[ashie62]

Joe Willie dated Morganna? Ouch!!!!!

[G-Fafif]

Jon Matlack is the lone Texas Ranger representing the lone team that needed an extra regular-season day to join the 2013 non-championship parade. The Rangers were eliminated from championship consideration on September 30.

[G-Fafif]

Larry Stahl has been sent in to pinch-hit for other, more high-profile Cincinnati Reds to bear the standard of the first postseason eliminatee in 2013's non-championship parade. The Redlegs skedaddled from championship consideration on October 1 as they fell in the National League's Wild Card game.

[Edgy MD]

Larry Stahl, wow. I was at least expecting Trevi�o, or somebody.

Even if you show Seaver the money ahead of time, he ain't marching in no also-ran parade.

[G-Fafif]

Edgy MD wrote: Larry Stahl, wow. I was at least expecting Trevi�o, or somebody. Even if you show Seaver the money ahead of time, he ain't marching in no also-ran parade.

Sparky looked up and down his bench, and Stahl was all, "Pick me! Pick me!" So he picked him. Sometimes it's as simple as volunteering.

[G-Fafif]

Rumor has it Keith Hernandez took a wrong turn en route to Sag Harbor and that's how he wound up representing his beloved Cleveland Indians in the in 2013 non-championship parade. Event organizers came under pressure from the Ohio state legislature to up the starpower of the Buckeye delegation after Larry Stahl came marching in under the Red banner and was met by cries of, "Where's Alex Trevi�o?" At least one faction of lawmakers was said to be so be upset that they would move to limit early voting in the next presidential election because, as an official put it, "That's how we respond to everything in Ohio." The Tribe ensured it would be ineligible for championship consideration when it lost the American League Wild Card Game on October 2.

[G-Fafif]

The non-championship parade route is well-established. At some point in early autumn it takes a predictable turn down Peachtree Street, and sure enough, in 2013, the perennial non-champion Atlanta Braves make their anticipated appearance. Let's see who's leading their contingent this year after they were eliminated in the NLDS on October 7.



Why, it's Braves righty Gary Gentry, who earns cheers for his performance in the 1969 playoffs! I'm being handed a note that explains Gentry wasn't a Brave then and the Braves didn't win a championship that year, but isn't that the way it generally goes here in Atlanta?



Falling in line behind Gentry is beloved Brave Matt Franco, who played a pivotal role in Atlanta's success...no, it seems there wasn't any kind of extraordinary success attached to Franco's Brave career, but he's earning hearty applause nonetheless.



And finally, a pair of highly decorated Braves closers come marching in: Alejandro Pe�a and Jeff Reardon, each wearing the world championship ring...oh, my producer tells me that's just a reflection from the light, that there was no world championship ring earned by either of them during their time in Atlanta.

But in terms of non-championship parade arrivals among the 2013 league division series participants, the Braves have come in first yet again. Give 'em all a big hand! But don't be showy about it. The Braves frown on that sort of thing. The Braves frown a lot these days.

[Guest Mets � Willets Point]

I was expecting to see Greg McMichael in this parade.

[G-Fafif]

Mets � Willets Point wrote: I was expecting to see Greg McMichael in this parade.

"I sneered at the request to take part."

[stevejrogers]

I guess Tammy Tampax isn't devastated that he didn't get picked to be in the parade...

[G-Fafif]

Jason Tyner leads the Tampa Bay Rays contingent into the 2013 non-championship parade, but will eventually be replaced for ceremonial purposes before the conclusion of the parade everybody came out to see by Mike DiFelice. The Rays removed themselves from championship consideration on October 8.

Most will derive unhappiness from the switch, but not smilin' Roberto Hernandez.

[G-Fafif]

When Richie Hebner heard there was going to be a procession involving his Pittsburgh Pirates, he immediately secured exclusive rights, for Hebner just assumed it was going to be a funeral, which would be very good for the family business. Alas, it was merely the 2013 non-championship parade, a somewhat less somber event for which the Pirates qualified on October 9, far later than has been their recent annual tradition.



Ever the efficient mortician type, Hebner rounded up pallbearers anyway, including Wally Backman (who prefers ashes), Frank Thomas (who's used to carrying more than his share of the load) and Mackey Sasser (who they really shouldn't have asked to return the deceased to the earth, since he's not that skilled at getting things back from whence they came).



Bobby Bonilla was asked to participate as well, but thought that was the funniest thing he'd heard since he was asked to accept highly lucrative payments for playing baseball long after he was done playing baseball.

[G-Fafif]

Ed Charles is graciously leading the Oakland Athletics into the 2013 non-championship parade despite his having skedaddled from the A's before they vamoosed from Kansas City. The A's, you see, have come so close to advancing so many times that they wanted to be represented by a true champion. That desire grew only deeper upon their elimination from championship consideration on October 10.



Gliding alongside the Glider, the notably Athletic Rickey Henderson, who swears he used to know a guy named Ed Charles when he was in New York. "Showed up at a thingamajig once," Rickey says. "Talked to me and some guy who always wore a batting helmet. Or was that Tommy Harper in Seattle?"

With that, Rickey took off, swiped the baton from Ed and declared himself, as of today, the greatest of all time.

[G-Fafif]

Mike Marshall and Mike Marshall will serve as co-grand marshal(l)s of the Los Angeles Dodgers' unit of the 2013 non-championship parade. Mike and Mike's Dodgers receded from championship consideration on October 18.



Our hearts go out to them.

[Guest Mets � Willets Point]

You've been waiting to play that Marshall pun for a long time haven't you?

Well done!

Is Darryl bringing his A game to the parade?

[G-Fafif]

Mets � Willets Point wrote: Is Darryl bringing his A game to the parade?

Totally dressed for anything but a ballgame.

[G-Fafif]

Howard Johnson and Mickey Lolich have glumly removed their respective 1984 and 1968 World Series rings and are dutifully leading their Detroit Tigers into the 2013 non-championship parade (which is currently darkened by the shadow of the preening Shane Victorino Blimp floating overhead). The Tigers were eliminated from championship consideration a tick past the stroke of midnight on October 20.



Even the presence of guaranteed crowd-pleaser Frank "The MFY Killer" Lary can't put a smile on the faces of those lining the route as the festivities take their 29th annual turn at the corner of Michigan and Trumbull. But better to march late in this procession than be at its head. Just ask the Astros' representative, who has been marching since August 28.

[G-Fafif]

Mike Torrez is at the head of the rear of the 2013 non-championship parade on behalf of the St. Louis Cardinals, the last of 29 units to march here with us this year. Mike's Cardinals were eliminated from championship consideration in the sixth game of the World Series on October 30.

Sending his regrets is Mike Torrez of the Boston Red Sox, who refused multiple invitations to take part.

[Guest Mets � Willets Point]

Vince Coleman tried to be there but he got trapped by a tarp.