Fman99

[bigpurple:1khotmyd]KABOOMAGE![/bigpurple:1khotmyd]

Going to boil this down to just the highlights -- Suzyn Waldman jokes about the loose open nature of her genitals as she strides through MFY history, and John Sterling with his shit awful home run calls. C: Brian McCann (.259 BA, 1 HR, 6 RBI, .317 OBP/.457 SLG) Waldman: "This guy is a stud, used to play for the Braves. Speaking of brave, you know who was brave? Steve Balboni. I used to ride the Balboni macaroni!" Sterling: "It his high, it is far, it is... GONE! You McCann't tell me that Suzyn Waldman isn't a pig!" 1B: Mark Teixeira (.190/4/9, .302/.548) SW: "This guy is off to a slow start but it's OK. I like when they start slow. You know who else was a slow starter? Don Mattingly. That guy took longer to reach his climax than it took Don Zimmer to get off the toilet in the morning!" JS: "It's a fly ball, deep left... and it is GONE! A dinger for Teix, so let's get Suzyn some sex! I'm buying." 2B: Stephen Drew (.158/3/7, .267/.421) SW: "Stephen drew me naked while I posed like that girl in the boat movie. Then, like that kid, he tried to drown in the North Atlantic rather than ride a piece of driftwood with me." JS: "It is GONE! Stephen DREW! A HR for YOO!" SS: Didi Gregorius (.200/0/2, .233/.200) SW: "Let me tell you something, John. I knew Derek Jeter. I open mouth kissed Derek Jeter. I put on a thong and popped and locked for Derek Jeter. I dressed up like A-Rod and let Derek Jeter have anal relations with me. And you, Didi, you are NO DEREK JETER." JS: "It is high... it is far. It is... GONE! And GreGORIUS with the COLD-SORE-ious!" 3B: Chase Headley (.260/2/7, .315/.400) SW: "They call him chase because he likes to run with an erection and chase me around the house. Which is weird, because most guys with a boner don't want to run around with that thing. He looks like a guy running to first base that forgot to drop his bat." JS: "It is high, it is far, it is GONE! Chase that pitcher off to the showers! See, because, he's almost done pitching, that's the joke!" LF: Brett Gardner (.286/1/4, .390/.400, 4 SBs) SW: "This guy is small and fast. Which makes him fun in the ol' sleeping bag, if you know what I like. He's a speedster there, too. He gets me in the bed and he's going first to third every time, if you catch my meaning there." JS: "Fly ball, deep center field... and it's GONE! Gardner! Suzyn's getting him HARDNER!" CF: Jacoby Ellsbury (.283/0/0, .356/.302, 2 SBs) SW: "This guy is a natural hitter. I like to keep it natural, too. No trimming. It's not how God wants it to look down there if I do any yard work. But it's getting wild. It looks like I have Oscar Gamble in a leg lock, in fact." JS: "Ellsbury with the HR! He Ells-buried that thing in the bleachers!" RF: Carlos Beltran (.171/0/6, .222/.268) SW: "I'm coo coo for Carlos' cocoa puff!" JS: "It is high, it is far, it is GONE!! Beltran with the big belt! He belt! And then he ran!" DH: A-Rod (.286/4/11, .412/.643) SW: "Well, Alex has been their best hitter this year and ain't that a punch to the vagina! You know who else liked to punch vaginas! Reggie Jackson! His straw stirred more than just the drink." JS: "It is high, it is far, it is gone! I have 'A ROD' with excitement this year!" Key bench: Chris Young, Garrett Jones, Gregorio Petit, JR Murphy No HR calls for the pitchers. Thankfully, Suzyn has more to say on these guys. Pitching match ups: Friday - deGrom vs. Michael Pineda (2-0, 5.00 ERA) "This guy puts pine tar on EVERYTHING. I haven't been that sticky since the weekend I spent in Lou Pinella's fishing shack." Saturday - Harvey vs. Sabathia (0-3, 4.35 ERA) "CC Sabathia has a food fetish. He had me use gravy as a lubricant." Sunday - Niese vs. Nathan Eovaldi (1-0, 3.12 ERA) "I don't know him real well just yet but I can say this, #bigrig." Bullpen: Closer - Andrew Miller (0-0, 5 Saves, .95 WHIP, 0.00 ERA). "You know, John, there used to be this Panamanian guy, I forget his name, he had a big pool though, and he was always throwing things into the deep end and asking me to go dive for them. But I wouldn't because they all were plugged in. This ain't my first rodeo, I'm not falling for that one!" Set up guys - Betances, David Carpenter, Chris Martin, Justin Wilson "I reenacted some of the best Caligula scenes with these guys. It was fun! I didn't know I could get a hickey on the inside of my body." Former Mets wearing the traitor's colors - Beltran, Chris Young Former MFYs wearing the good guy colors - Granderson, Colon, Buddy Carlyle

Eric Campbell is the man.

That's a damn foolish play by Murphy.

BOOKS

DUDA! 2015 is awesome.

That was sweet!

Garbage can lid girl continues to crash her chalkboard car to the sounds of hipster kinoodling.

This is a tight spot!

Flores heating up this week. It's good.

And bedpan-head nails down the save! PUT THAT SHIT IN BOOKS.

If you can get your Mrs. to give you a full muno, do it. It's the BEST. Even a half muno will work.

I watched innings 2-9 of this game but could not post because my house is infested with [crossout:2us4utfg]termites[/crossout:2us4utfg] in-laws.

SNL alum and genuinely funny comedian Jim Breuer with a recap of last night's game on his FB page.

Grandy leading the NL in walks from the leadoff spot. That's good.

Replay blows. Too slow, guys.

Eric Campbell, professional hitter.

Keystone manned by Adeiny Hechavarria (.242, 1 HR, 5 RBIs, 6 R, tons of letters in both names). Rumor has it that he is the reborn spirit of Duane Allman. I don't know, third base?

The Phillies suck and I am embiggened by this news.

Maybe my baby doesn't have autism, because, you know, awareness is depressing.

Wright with a hamstring tweak. Usually it's a DL trip. FUDGE.

Let's get this a-hole and keep Utley away from the plate.