KTE: "Which of course in German means a whale's vagina" (SD)

[Fman99]

The NL West leading San Diego Padres roll into town for a three game set at Citi Field. We've seen them recently, having lost 2 of 3 to these dickholes out on the left coast last week in a series that still bothers me. Really, one strike away to that pesky Eckstein and 15 minutes later it's a walk off grannie?

Shit.

The (Maxi)Pads are 34-23, 16-11 on the road and leading the NL West by a half game over the Dodgers. They have the best record in the senior circuit at this time and are doing it the way you'd expect, with just enough hitting and a deep rotation, bolstered by baseball's best bullpen.

But I'm going to mock them instead. That's how I roll. Lineup positions from last night's game...

Jerry Hairston Jr. (.240 BA/3 HR/19 RBI/4 SB/15 R) playing shortstop. Son of former major leaguer Jerry Hairston. When your leadoff hitter has a .286 OBP, well, then, you're on the Padres. Internet rumor is that he once fucked a koi, in a koi pond in a restaurant.

Batting and playing 2nd, the pesky David Eckstein (.281/1/15, 4 SB, 21 R). What can you say about this guy? He's pesky! Internet rumor is that he was sodomized by a panda at the San Diego Zoo and that it cost him $35.

The 3-hole hitter (I once dated a girl who let me hit her in the 3 hole, she was the best!) and first baseman is Adrian Gonzalez. He's the only real power bat in this lineup, and he's just heating up with 2 HRs yesterday in the Philly bandbox. Numbers on the year: .288/13/38, 32 R, OPS .914. Internet rumor is that he keeps a live pidgeon stuffed in his jock when he's batting.

Cleanup is Scott Hairston. Lots of Hairstons on this roster (I use Nair to keep my hairstons from getting out of hand)... He's playing in the outfield, in center and left yesterday at least. His line -- .238/7/15, 17 R, 3 SB, OPS .817. After A-Gonz he is their only hitter with more than four home runs. Internet rumor is that he keeps David Eckstein stuffed in his jock when he's batting.

Batting 5th, and playing as the third sacker is Chase "Giving" Headley. Having his best season as a pro, at .286/4/20/33/9 SBs, the team's only switch hitter. Internet rumor is that he once blew Phil Rizzuto.

Hitting 6th, and catching, Yorvit Torreabla (.287/1/15/8/3, .743 OPS). Name translates into English as "Terribly Itchy in my Yorvit." Sharing time with Nick Hundley behind the dish. Internet rumor is that he has five testicles, and that his teammates call him "Marbles."

Hitting 7th, playing CF, Tony Gwynn Jr. Has something in common with Tony Gwynn, Sr. in that he's wearing Padre colors and is skinny in his 20's. Time will tell if he balloons up like his old man did, man those bee sting allergies are bad aren't they? He's a slap hitter, .209/1/10/13/9 SB. Internet rumor is that he only dates women who smell like garlic.

Hitting 8th, playing RF, Will Venable, most days. He's hitting a robust .228/4/19/27/12 SB. Another slap hitter! These guys do more slapping than Ike Turner. Internet rumor is that he dated Rue McLanahan and that she "was a go-er." Ew.

Bench: Oscar "Meyer Weiner" Salazar, beer league fave Matt Stairs, and Lance Sawadzki (Polish for "rooster cock") filling in for a DL'd Everth Cabrera.

Starting Matchups:

Tues: Pelfrey vs. Clayton Richard (4-3, 2.87 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 51 k in 69 IP): Richard is a 26 year old lefty having his first good year. Internet rumor is that he once had a threesome with Will Venable and Rue McLanahan, till Betty White barged in and said "Oh, Blanche!" OK, I made that up.

Wed: Johan vs. Mat Latos (5-4, 3.26, 1.06, 56 k in 66 1/3 IP), a 22 year old righty in his second season in the bigs, and their best starter this year thus far. Internet rumor is that he once had relations with a platypus, in a French resort, and then wrote poems about it.

Thurs: Dickey vs. Jon Garland (6-3, 2.68 ERA, 1.30 WHIP, 46 k in 74 IP): The staff's senior member, at 30, came up with the ChiSox and also having his best season as a pro. Internet rumor is that he likes to put Christmas ornaments in his pants and then feel the glitter on his nethers.

Bullpen:

Closer: Heath Bell, former Met, still pouting at being called up and sent back down 563 times by the Mets in 2004-2006. Led NL in saves last year, this year he's 2-0, 1.38 ERA but 1.35 WHIP. Touched for a run last night in Philly. Internet rumor: His child was actually fathered by Corky from "Life Goes On." I know, I was there when it happened.
Setup men: Luke "Bobby, Peter And" Gregerson (1.48 ERA), Edward "Cow Says" Mujica (3.21 ERA), Mike "Samuel" Adams (2.73 ERA), Joe "Margaret" Thatcher (1.54 ERA). Not a tomato can in the whole sack.

Manager: Buddy "Paint It" Black, his fourth year at the helm.

Former Mets in SD: Bell, and of course we played extensive footsies with Torreabla when he was a FA.
Former Pads in NY: Jason Bay, Ollie Perez, Blanco.

[smg58]

So how did these guys get 18 runs off us again?

[Guest metsguyinmichigan]

I really, really gotta stop reading Fman posts while I'm at work. People wonder what I'm laughing about, and you can't really read it out loud to show them...

Nice job!

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

So how did these guys get 18 runs off us again?[/quote:zpsh5vxm]

Threesomes with the golden girls, duh.

[Guest themetfairy]

As usual, I'm ashamed of myself for laughing....

[Zvon]

Z-Bot says excellent job,your hootchness.

[metirish]

Great stuff fman......just the right amount of vulgar

[Frayed Knot]

And once again Johan draws the other team's ace.
Been happening a ton this year it seems.

[MFS62]

ESPN got into the Eckstein love:
http://espn.go.com/blog/new-york/mets/post/_/id/3966/tip-of-the-cap-to-eckstein

Fman, you did it again.
But we still love you.
Later

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

Fman, you're a smut peddler, a mendacious blaggard, and a good-for-nothing example for the nation's impressionable Ecksteins and pennysucking Bells. For shame, you imaginary-animal defiler. For shame.

I'm pretty sure, though, that Eckstein has to have been letting a few beat reporters and columnists watch him pee through the years to get the pub he has, hasn't he? Duck these Faddies.

[Fman99]

As usual, I'm ashamed of myself for laughing....[/quote:276teh9r]

Glad you all enjoyed. MF's reaction above is always the specific one I seek.

[Guest Edgy DC]

(wetblanket)I could personally do without the handicapped chillin material.(/wetblanket)

[Guest attgig]

Internet rumor is that he once had a threesome with Will Venable and Rue McLanahan, till Betty White barged in and said "Oh, Blanche!" OK, I made that up.

[Guest themetfairy]

As usual, I'm ashamed of myself for laughing....[/quote:1ajxi267]

Glad you all enjoyed. MF's reaction above is always the specific one I seek.[/quote:1ajxi267]

I'm not sure whether I should feel special or be frightened

[Gwreck]

And once again Johan draws the other team's ace.
Been happening a ton this year it seems.[/quote:1z8ke7la]

It might just be semantics but I think I'd call Jon Garland the staff ace rather than Latos (granted they're both doing pretty well).

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

And once again Johan draws the other team's ace.
Been happening a ton this year it seems.[/quote:qp1truj9]

It might just be semantics but I think I'd call Jon Garland the staff ace rather than Latos (granted they're both doing pretty well).[/quote:qp1truj9]

Garland's a veteran having a nice season. Latos is dominant.