Tell Me a Bunch of Crap

[Farmer Ted]

George Theodore took top honors in this year�s Mutton Busting sheep rodeo in Greeley, Colorado. Theodore represented Team Don Hahn Crashers en route to the title riding his ewe for a record 43.2 seconds.
No stranger to wearing helmets, Theodore affixed a hockey mask to his old New York Mets batting helmet as he has transformed this sport for junior bull riders into a men�s over 6-foot league.
�We�re taking a look at other methods to improving this sport, �noted Theodore while donning an RA Dickey t-shirt commemorating his Cy Young award this year. �Jousting, MMA, hookah�they�re all possibilities while bucking these sheep.�
The Crashers will appear this Saturday at the Wyoming State Fair in Douglas.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

More Met?

[Farmer Ted]

Would love to know more about Shawon Dunston, please.

[Guest Mets � Willets Point]

Farmer Ted wrote: Would love to know more about Shawon Dunston, please.

During an offseason trip to Europe in December 1988, Dunston's flight suffered an unexpected layover in Dublin, Ireland due to bad weather. With nothing else to do Dunston went into town and on a whim decided to see a pantomime show. The show's stage manager, Eamon O'Kiely, was a diehard Cubs fan and recognizing Dunston, invited him on the stage. To the delight of the audience, Dunston spontaneously performed a turkey dance. It's since been said that Dunston's unexpected performance was the inspiration for Irish television's star puppet, Dustin the Turkey.

Kelvin Torve.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Guest

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

It's well-established that the George Theodore was nicknamed "The Stork," due to his 6'4" frame and vaguely avian carriage. What's less widely-disseminated is that Kelvin Torve was also called "The Stork," for an entirely different reason. Teenaged Kelvin served as President of his middle-school's 4H club in Rapid City, SD; became a locally-celebrated expert in animal husbandry by 16; and went on to become a trained and certified "Christian midwife" during his years at Oral Roberts University; during his years in the minors, he continued to employ these skills doing offseason obstetric work for extra cash, and kvetching to his family about how unrealistic television birthing scenes seemed. Not only did Torve deliver over 100 babies between 1987 and 1990, he also memorably took home the coveted Baby Catch Championship during the 1991 Mets Family Day picnic, edging three-time champion Kevin Elster with a 37-foot toss of Mark Carreon's six-month-old to do so.

What's the deal with Lino Urdaneta?

[Lefty Specialist]

Lino Urdaneta's three year run of having a career ERA of infinity (six earned runs in 0.0 innings) came to a screeching halt when he actually recorded three outs for the Mets in 2007. Finding that baseball might not have been his highest calling, he left baseball after the 2007 season to work in Disney World as a character greeter in the Magic Kingdom.

On the days when he dons the Buzz Lightyear costume, no truer words are spoken- "To Infinity- And Beyond!"

So what's the deal with Rich Puig?

[Lefty Specialist]

Why, glad you asked. Rich Puig began a movie career after he left the Mets in 1974. His first screen credit was as 'Movie House Patron' in the Martin Scorsese classic Taxi Driver in 1976.

Building on that early success, he soon appeared in a string of hits as 'Cafeteria Dishwasher' in Animal House (1978), 'Angry Husband' in Caddyshack (1980), and perhaps his finest role, 'Stripper #2' in Flashdance (1983). After that, roles became tougher to come by. "I hadn't changed", said Rich, "but the movies did". After a couple of seasons of Summer Stock in the Berkshires, where his portrayal of Titania in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream is still much discussed, Puig headed for rural Pennsylvania with his wife, the former Fannie Schrute, where today they live a quiet life raising beets on their 400-acre farm outside Scranton.

Speaking of beets, whatever happened to Bruce Boisclair?

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

Worked as a long-haul trucker for 13 years before developing a virulent allergy to air fresheners.

Currently working as a bouncer at Pink Sausages Fancy Gentlemen's Club in Clearwater, Florida on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends. On Mondays and Wednesdays, he's a featured dancer, under the name "Bryce."

How's life treating Doug Simons?

[Guest Swan Swan H]

Doug Simons returned to his native Bakersfield, CA, and opened Buck's Boogie Bar, a honky-tonk dedicated to fellow hometown boy Buck Owens. He makes a few extra bucks by garaging Dwight Yoakam's white Cadillac, which he drives whenever he comes to town.

Chip Ambres?

[Guest cooby]

Chip Ambres had led a life of mediocrity. A name which doesn�t give a clue. An anonymous pro career.
He thought about insurance sales, beer distributorships, gym ownerships-- but finally decided to do what he had always wanted to do but couldn�t tell his family-- Chippendale dancing. �I was born to this. I finally have the courage to sell myself to the audience I want to sell to. And now I�m making a living�.
You wouldn't believe how he incorporates a "chip" into his act.

Currently on the circuit in the Southern Tier of New York state. I am personally awaiting his tour through my area. My friends and I are hoping he dresses as a Met. Well, except May, who is a Yankee fan.

Tell me some poop about Raffy Santana.

[Edgy MD]

Rafael Santana was once tasked with carrying the corpse of a dead bird off the field, the unfortunate animal having been felled by a fly ball off the bat of Dion James, leading at least one tasteless announcer to quip that Rafael would want to cook the bird up and eat it.

Deeply sensitive, Santana took the crack as a slight to his sophistication, and vowed to put himself on a path of self-improvement. Enrolling in college, Raffy matriculated in a variety of fields before gravitating in the direction of romantic poetry. "It tells us our lives have meaning," the shortstop told George Vescey in 1991, "and that's a good thing to have in a world where birds can just drop out of the sky. Atom bombs, multi-national terrorism networks, global warming.... still we look to the west with wonder."

Santana's studies continued well beyond his career, leading to an eventual doctorate and a status of high esteem among his peers with regard to his expertise in the work of William Blake. He holds a professorship at La Pontificia Universidad Cat�lica Madre y Maestra in Santiago de los Caballeros, has published nine scholarly papers, and will be keynoting in February in Santiago, Chile at the Annual Meeting of the Blake Society of Latin America, presenting his paper, "'The Road of Excess: The Yankees and the Persistence of Sin."

That's Rafael. Tell me what's little-known about Danny Garcia.

[Guest Swan Swan H]

Danny Garcia almost killed a man. Not intentionally, but it was close.

Garcia was notorious for staying out well after curfew, and one time he barely got two hours sleep before a day game. Having been used as a pinch-hitter in the seventh inning, Danny decided to head back to the clubhouse for a quick nap. Just a week earlier he was chewed out by Art Howe for dozing at his locker, so he took advantage of his diminutive stature and snuck into a rolling industrial laundry basket filled with towels. You can guess the rest - he slept right through the end of the game, and when the elderly cleaning crew member started loading towels into the washer and Garcia popped up, he nearly had a heart attack.

Jesus Alou, anyone?

[Lefty Specialist]

Jesus is the 'other one' of the three Alou brothers. Matty became a batting champion. Felipe became a successful manager. Jesus became a Met. After his career ended, he moved to Kansas, where a man with the first name of 'Jesus' is viewed with suspicion and awe. Many sets of trousers were ruined when at state fairs he'd be compelled by drunken louts and overheated preachers to try to walk on water.

Finding that his baseball career money was running low, he made a life-changing decision in 1987 when he opened an Arthur Treacher's franchise, finding that he could indeed feed thousands with just a few loaves and fishes. Today, he relaxes in his small retirement bungalow in Lenexa, KS, watching the pinwheels spin on his front lawn and wondering what might have been if he'd only worn inflatable shoes.

So I says to myself, "Self", I says, "What about Jim Gosger?"

[Edgy MD]

Phone call for Mr. Gosger.

[Guest Swan Swan H]

While waiting for the crap, here's the allegedly true Jim Gosger story we all remember from Ball Four.

Then there's the tale Jim Gosger (former outfielder) told about hiding in a closet to shoot a little beaver while his roommate made out in the bed with some local talent. Nothing sneaky about it, the roommate even provided the towel for Gosger to bite on in case he was moved to laughter. At the height of the activity on the bed, local talent, moaning, says, "Oh darling, I've never done it that way before." Whereupon Gosger sticks his head out of the closet and drawls, "Yeah, surre." and retreats in the closet. After he told us the story, "Yeah surrre," became a watchword around the club. "I only had three beers last night." "Yeah, surre."

[dinosaur jesus]

As City Recreation Director in Yale, Michigan, Jim Gosger has pioneered the use of traditional remedies in treating sports injuries. Local residents, including Yale mayor Jim Cronin, swear by Jim and his wife's poultices, tinctures, and salves. Says Cronin, "I'm a handball nut, and Jim's the only guy I'll go to for my sprains and Charley horses. And when I was getting a little overexcited in council meetings a few years ago, dealing with budget cuts and all, Jim was right there with his leeches. Pulled that black bile right out of my system and changed my whole outlook."

Now tell me something I don't already know about Carlton Willey.

[Lefty Specialist]

When Carlton Willey left baseball, he joined his brother Robert in opening RC Willey's, a chain of home furnishing stores in the west. A squeaky armoire sold to Richard Nixon, though, landed him on Nixon's famous 'Enemies List', forcing Carlton to flee the country.

He traveled the world, selling furniture and befriending dictators. He sold a love chest to Somoza in Nicaragua. A combination sofa/recliner to Agosto Pinochet in Chile. A nine-piece bedroom set with matching headboard to the Shah of Iran. But time and good fortune was running out on Carlton. A deal to sell a butcher block kitchen table to 'Papa Doc' Duvalier in Haiti went sour, and soon he was running for his life from voodoo-wielding priests, his arms and legs burning with pain from unseen needles. Willey spent his last days just over the border in the Dominican Republic, a broken man surrounded by cheap wicker furniture and lumpy mattresses.

What's all this then about Desi Relaford?

[MFS62]

Desi was named after tv singer, actor and producer Desi Arnaz. Apparently, show biz was in his blood. After he retired from baseball, he founded 6 Hole Records, a hip-hop record label based in Jacksonville.

But he also has Country and Western artists on his label. The most famous is a band called Sludge.
Their most popular hits were:
She Broke My Heart, So I Broke Her Nose,
She Stole My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat,
My Truck Is Bigger than Your'n

Tell us about Frank Lary.

Later

[Lefty Specialist]

When Frank Lary hung them up in 1965, he retired to Mississippi, becoming a lead inserter at the Dixon Ticonderoga factory. The switch to graphite came too late for Frank, and years of lead poisoning took their toll on his higher brain functions. Delusional paranoia and mood swings led him to consider suicide, but when Billy Joe MacAllister tried to talk him out of it he threw him off the Tallahatchie Bridge in a fit of rage and country music angst.

Is it true what they've been saying about Mauro Gozzo?

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

If they're saying that he's a bit of a "comeback kid," then yes.

Gozzo famously burned a significant portion of his baseball money swinging and missing with several infomercial products-- including the "Trifling Hoe" Mini-Lawn-Tool Set and the Flow-Pee urinal-attachment for vacuums-- under his "Mauro For Less-O" brand. After losing most of the rest on a joint real-estate venture with the Ventures, Gozzo achieved some level of fame by being the first person to donate his body to medical science while still alive. He has three wives and two kids-- one from each-- and currently splits his time between Boca Raton, FL and Johns Hopkins University.

You know what's weird? I could have sworn I saw Mike Bacsik the other day, but it turned out I was just staring in a mirror. What's that 'Sik bastard up to?

Edited January 18, 2013 by Guest

[Guest cooby]

Mike Bascik grew up in a family of 14 children in rural Texas. His dad ran the local general store, called �Just the Basciks�, where all the kids pitched in to keep the shelves tidy, cans dusted, and apples polished.

After winning the Texas lottery, Mr. Bascik closed the store and sent �whichever kid was in 12th grade this year� to college. That kid was Mike Bascik. Never a scholar, Mike feigned illness for one full year until his sister Maribelle was in 12th grade. She got the college money, and Mike got the amateur draft.

Maribelle went on to write many children�s and tween books about growing up with all those siblings. They are called �The Bascik Bunch� adventures and are constantly in reprints.

Mike toils in the minors.

Tell me about Mike Phillips

[dinosaur jesus]

Mike Phillips comes from the East Texas branch of the famous Phillips family, other branches of which are known for making screwdrivers, crab cakes, laxatives, and Revel Stoke spiced whiskey. Mike's grandfather, Trank Sr., invented the mechanism that keeps the gas flowing from the pump so you don't have to stand there and hold the handle, but lost the patent to Sunoco through some dealings that remain controversial. Mike attended Phillips Andover as a legacy, but disappointed his family by signing with the Giants rather than going on to Yale.

Now what have you got on Mac Scarce?

[Lefty Specialist]

Mike Phillips may have hit for the cycle with the Mets, but the truth is that this lifetime .240 hitter was dogged by job insecurity and stress. As his career was winding down in Montreal in the early 80's, he developed erosive gastritis and more than once was unavailable for pinch-hitting duties as he was stranded on the porcelain throne in the clubhouse.

Desperate for a cure, he visited noted chemist Merde de Boissons, who gave him a mixture of magnesium hydroxide diluted with water. It worked like a charm! Even his release by the Expos later that month could not upset his digestive system. Phillips threw himself fully into bringing de Boissons' formula to market, and within a year he'd decided on distribution and advertising. The only remaining task was the design of the bottle, and snubbing the Expos, he reached back to his Met days for the distinctive bottle color of....



So what's the poop on Jeff Duncan?

[Guest cooby]

Just as an aside....Mike Phillips was my heartthrob while he was with the Mets. The day he hit for the cycle was my 15th or 16th birthday I forget which and to say the least I was enthralled!

And two stories about him! Weehoo!

[Edgy MD]

"Happy birthday, Cooby-Coo!"

[Guest cooby]

He still stands the test of time. Sometimes when I look back on my Met crushes I wonder what I was thinking, but Mike was pretty cute.

[Guest themetfairy]

Lefty Specialist wrote: So what's the poop on Jeff Duncan?

Jeff is hoping that his Duncan's Donuts chain gloms off of Dunkin' Donuts fame. Or at least that his kick-ass latte recipes gives Dunkin' incentive to just buy him out, recipes and all.

What's new with Don Hahn?

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

His ads-- "The best defense against unwanted hits... comes from a tasty glove"-- may have won several Adult Clio awards for Young and Rubicam, but Don Hahn himself took a major filthy-Jacuzzi bath on his Don Hahn's "Spanish" Condoms, scented to smell and taste like figs, manchego, and various tapas. "Portuguese" Sports Undergarments, "Mexican" Toilet Cleansers, and "El Paragua Sexo" raingear fared no better in the American market, and Hahn was forced to declare bankruptcy in 1986. When bankruptcy court judges could not understand his vaguely-Latin-sounding gibberish delarations, however, Hahn was forced to give up his car, house and famous leather-pants collection for immediate debt settlement. He now freelance-cleans and lingers in women's train-station bathrooms throughout the Southwest, usually with a very defensive look in his eye.

What's up with that Jeff Innis cat? I heard he's got a family now?

[Edgy MD]

Well, a farce of a family, if that's what you mean.

Things went downhill with Mr. and Mrs. Innis ever since he left her pretty fingers lying in the wedding cake. They filed for a joint separation a few years back, with Jeff stating that his wife only loved him when she held him right in her hand, and he'd taken all he could take. Wife Allison, for her part, could only state that the world was killing her. Sad stuff, but the filing apparently came to naught and they continue on living their loveless charade.

Hopefully, things are better for... Jorge Fabregas?

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

You'd think that winning a Latin Grammy for Best Mambo recording in 2009 would make Jorge happy, but "creative differences" with his collaborators and the requisite tensions arising from months on the dance-hall circuit in support of their best-selling recording led to the breakup of Las Balas Brillantes de Mambo (the Gleaming Bullets of Mambo) and Jorge to record a spiteful and hastily produced solo debut ("Ustedes son Buttheads, Jos� y Roberto") that sold poorly and led to his being dropped from his label. At last sighting Jorge was working his way through the Mambo Karaoke bars of Mexico City, and plotting a yet nother comeback.

It's hardly been sweet music for Al Luplow lately, has it?