KTE, 8/10-8/12: If You Kill Me Now, the Buzzards Can Eat

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

Arizona? Again?

So, remember that constrictor job these a-holes did at CitiField last week? 3 suffocating wins-- all of them Met-winnable-- out of a long, looooong four-day weekend? Mark Reynolds wearing out the measuring tape guy's measuring tape? Miguel Montero whipping more stick than a mustang porn star? Chad Qualls Quallsing his Chads all over?

Yeah, these same guys just got swept at Washington. I mean, I know bad teams beat other bad teams all the time, but Washington has been verging on historically bad, using Jorge Sosa (!) to close games and just traded away its second-most productive offensive player (Nick Johnson). Besides that, Washington's hotel rooms are known for being superlatively comfortable-- so much so that the Nationals' guests have beaten them 33 out of 59 tries. ("Come for the wins, stay for the continental breakfast... and more wins!") But they got handled. Handily.

So, what does this mean? Probably that the Flushing Nine are fighting their weight this week, so these should be a good three games, or at least close and dull. Also, that the Mets were nearly swept at home by a team that can't beat the Nats. (ALSO, that the Nats held serve better than our Queens can.)

But that's stinkin' thinkin'-- let's accentuate the positive. What's good?

GOOD NEWS: First, here's the primer on these guys. (What a delightful young writing voice!) They're about the same, but a week older, and possibly more decrepit! Time IS on our side!

GOOD NEWS: Justin Upton's out with an oblique strain; apart from the occasional pool sighting, we shouldn't see him anywhere near Chase Field. This means that Arizona's starting three credible MLB starters, and 4-5 others who would make better Tuscon Sidewinders, or El Paso Brown Toilet Snakes or whatever other cutesy reptilian team-names they've got in their minor-league system! (Never mind that a handful of those "minor-leaguers" hit CitiField home runs last week! It's within the realm of possibility that they'll show their true colors!)

GOOD NEWS: Despite hitting HRs in four straight games (and 11 in 56 at-bats), robot/human Mark Reynolds may be due for a slowdown, as he is not QUITE as good in southern climes! He's only slugging, like, .519 at home! (As opposed to the 1.354 he slugs in road games!)

GOOD NEWS: Their bullpen lefties-- somber Scho, mustachioed Zavada-- is crappy, pappy!

GOOD NEWS: Want to know whether or not to wear your evening sun hat? Or are you just a retractable-roof-news fan? Arizona's got a roof hotline (602-379-ROOF)!

GOOD NEWS: The federal stimulus program is injecting $25.6 million into the state's network of 16 federally qualified health centers. Fuck and yes!

GOOD NEWS: The Desert Botanical Garden (in Papago Park) is not nearly as dry as it sounds!

GOOD NEWS: There's In-and-Out Burger AND Chick-Fil-A here? I just got an eat-rection!

GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report!

To the pitching:
MONDAY, 8/10: vs.
Mike Pelfrey (8-7, 4.75 ERA, 1.50 WHIP, 1.49 K/BB, .285 BAA) vs. Doug Davis (6-10, 3.67 ERA, 1.46 WHIP, 1.54 K/BB, .259 BAA)

Fuck this junkball-shitting guy. Fuck him so hard.

TUESDAY, 8/11: Livan Hernandez (7-6, 5.08 ERA, 1.54 WHIP, 1.83 K/BB, .302 BAA) vs.
Max Scherzer (6-6, 4.01 ERA, 1.39 WHIP, 2.61 K/BB, .256 BAA)

This guy, he's a nice guy. I kinda don't mind him so much. (Also, he's apparently a Fangraphs frequenter.)

Still, fuck him. But gently.

WEDNESDAY, 8/12: Oliver Perez (2-3, 6.38 ERA, 1.87 WHIP, 1.27 K/BB, .263 BAA) vs.
Jon Garland (6-10, 4.33 ERA, 1.41 WHIP, 1.39 K/BB, .281 BAA)

Oh, FUUUUUUUUUCK this felchmonger. Fuck him with a baby-- nay, a LARGE cactus, right in his complaining, finesse-y ass. FUCK. HIM.

[Guest John Cougar Lunchbucket]

Gold, Jerry

[metirish]

] GOOD NEWS: There's In-and-Out Burger AND Chick-Fil-A here? I just got an eat-rection! GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report!

Hilarious

[A Boy Named Seo]

I just called the Roof hotline. That shit was last updated on 7/29.

Hotline, my sweet ass.

[Frayed Knot]

Roof Hotline Report: Closed from early May through mid-September cuz it's too fucking hot here!!
For games in April and the final two weeks of the year the status will be decided at game time, or the day in advance should that complaining totem pole Randy Johnson ever come back for his 8th go-around. He hated the open roof because he thought it made balls go further and how can he be expected to operate on a level playing field.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

="A Boy Named Seo":unbq9dql]I just called the Roof hotline. That shit was last updated on 7/29. Hotline, my sweet ass.[/quote:unbq9dql] 'Cause of the road trip, I'm thinking. It's working now. Although I think I prefer the idea of a hotline that tells you how the roof's doing, whether or not the Diamondbacks are actually in residence.

Kong76 Aug 10 2009 03:52 PM

LWFS: GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report! When I look at it that way, things don't seem so crappy.

metsguyinmichigan Aug 10 2009 07:36 PM

"GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report!" Oh, wait. Did you think that just because they're not playing that they're going to stop getting hurt? Goodness, man. These guys get injured walking down the dugout steps, and Lord knows what Reyes was doing on that plane. Playing baseball is the LEAST dangerous thing they do! I like Chick Fil A. Great KTE!!!

Fman99 Aug 10 2009 07:42 PM

="metirish"] ] GOOD NEWS: There's In-and-Out Burger AND Chick-Fil-A here? I just got an eat-rection! GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report! Hilarious Kudos LWFS. I don't think I have to tell you that the word "eat-rection" has now entered my vocabulary.

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr Aug 10 2009 08:06 PM

="metsguyinmichigan":afetg60p]"GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report!" Oh, wait. Did you think that just because they're not playing that they're going to stop getting hurt? Goodness, man. These guys get injured walking down the dugout steps, and Lord knows what Reyes was doing on that plane. Playing baseball is the LEAST dangerous thing they do! I like Chick Fil A. Great KTE!!![/quote:afetg60p] Christ. I didn't even think of that. Now I'm sad again. I generally don't love fried chicken, or chicken sandwiches. That said, I might slap a random stranger for Chick-Fil-A. Elster88 Aug 10 2009 08:46 PM Excellent KTE.

[Guest Kong76]

LWFS: GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report!

When I look at it that way, things don't seem so crappy.

[Guest metsguyinmichigan]

"GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report!"

Oh, wait. Did you think that just because they're not playing that they're going to stop getting hurt? Goodness, man. These guys get injured walking down the dugout steps, and Lord knows what Reyes was doing on that plane. Playing baseball is the LEAST dangerous thing they do!


I like Chick Fil A.

Great KTE!!!

[Fman99]

="metirish"] ] GOOD NEWS: There's In-and-Out Burger AND Chick-Fil-A here? I just got an eat-rection! GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report! Hilarious

Kudos LWFS. I don't think I have to tell you that the word "eat-rection" has now entered my vocabulary.

[Guest LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr]

="metsguyinmichigan":afetg60p]"GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report!" Oh, wait. Did you think that just because they're not playing that they're going to stop getting hurt? Goodness, man. These guys get injured walking down the dugout steps, and Lord knows what Reyes was doing on that plane. Playing baseball is the LEAST dangerous thing they do! I like Chick Fil A. Great KTE!!![/quote:afetg60p] Christ. I didn't even think of that. Now I'm sad again. I generally don't love fried chicken, or chicken sandwiches. That said, I might slap a random stranger for Chick-Fil-A.

Elster88 Aug 10 2009 08:46 PM

Excellent KTE.

[Elster88]

Excellent KTE.