Feds Investigate David Ortiz

[Centerfield]

Red Sox David Ortiz involved in sweets scandal.

FEDS RAID HOME OF SOX' ORTIZ

Discover stash of Hostess, Entenmann’s

By Centerfield
CPF SPORTS

Federal agents raided the home of Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz yesterday, seeking evidence that could identify him as a distributor and abuser of sweets and dessert cakes. Commercially manufactured desserts, which are undetectable in urine tests, have recently been added to the list of barred substances pursuant to the latest collective bargaining agreement.

Baseball officials refused to comment last night, it is believed that the agents discovered a large stash of Twinkies, Ho-Ho’s and Frosted Mini-Donuts. It is unclear whether the desserts were intended for Ortiz’ personal consumption, or for distribution to other players.

One agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the raid was the culmination of an ongoing investigation. “The federal government is not going to stand idly by and allow public figures such as Ortiz to corrupt our children. If baseball isn’t going to crack down and self-police, the government will make sure someone does.” The agent said that the sports world has made it far too acceptable to abuse dessert cakes and cookies. “The message that it sends is that it’s ok...and we can’t allow that to continue. Many of these athletes eat these desserts right out in the open, and oftentimes before dinner. The sugar in these products can be so damaging to a players’ teeth...and I don’t even want to think about what it can do to your appetite.”

It is unknown at this time, whether Ortiz dealt directly with manufacturers, or whether he was dealing with intermediary food distributors such as Sysco, or IFDA. “We will take down the entire network,” the agent promised. “It doesn’t end here.”

The raid concludes the investigation into Ortiz, but the fallout will probably be felt for months. It is believed that when Ortiz was first confronted by agents in April, according to documents, he named names. Though those names have not been released, players linked to these investigations include the Dodgers’ Olmedo Saenz, as well as Ortiz’s teammate David Wells.

Ortiz, who had been hitting .265 with 18 home runs, finished second in the American League MVP voting in 2005.

[metirish]

This fella was seen leaving his house last week.

[Guest ScarletKnight41]

ROFL CF - that's great!

[Guest vtmet]

It's good to see that some athletes still bulk up the old natural Butch Huskey method...

[Guest old original jb]

vtmet wrote: It's good to see that some athletes still bulk up the old natural Butch Huskey method...

Now those were the days when a guy's name really meant something.

[Guest old original jb]

Centerfield wrote: ...Baseball officials refused to comment last night, it is believed that the agents discovered a large stash of Twinkies, Ho-Ho’s and Frosted Mini-Donuts. It is unclear whether the desserts were intended for Ortiz’ personal consumption, or for distribution to other players....... It is unknown at this time, whether Ortiz dealt directly with manufacturers, or whether he was dealing with intermediary food distributors such as Sysco, or IFDA. “We will take down the entire network,” the agent promised. “It doesn’t end here.”

I heard Ortiz got the stash from his "personal chef", who may have worked for other players in the past. The list of his clients was released with the names blacked out but if you strain your eyes you can just barely make out some initials including M--- V-----.

But seriously, CF, this is an instant classic--when I got to the part about even before dinner I almost spat on the screen.

[Willets Point]

OMFG I shit my keks in fear when I saw the subject line, and then wet my pants laughing when I read it.