News From the Onion

[Guest cooby]

Plus this great shot of Anderson Cooper being manhandled

[Guest Rotblatt]

The contents of today's Sports News Scroll via Onion Sports:

]LATEST: A-Rod Caught Holding Thermometer To Lamp After Steinbrenner Left The Room

]LATEST: A-Rod Overexplains Strikeout

]LATEST: A-Rod Calls 0-For-5 Performance An Important Step In Winning Over Royals Fans

]LATEST: A-Rod To Jorge Posada: 'You Are My Friend'

]LATEST: New NFL Commissioner: 'A-Rod Definitely A One-Sport Star'

The side bar:

] Yankee Fans Lure A-Rod Out Of Dugout With Curtain Call In Order To Boo Him

And the articles, all of which came out in yesterday's online edition.

]A-Rod: 'I Hate Being A New York Yankee' September 7, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK�Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, whose tenure in pinstripes has been plagued by his inability to live up to expectations set by the media, fans, and team owner George Steinbrenner, broke down yesterday after an 0-for-5 performance and tearfully announced that he hates being a New York Yankee. "It just really sucks here," said Rodriguez, who noted that the pressure he faces every day living in the city of New York and playing for the Yankees has become "fucking outrageous." "I hate all of it�the dress code, the strict curfew, not having my name on my uniform, the stadium, the tradition, my teammates, playing third base�all of it. For the love of Christ, get me the fuck out of this shithole." Rodriguez later added that the only thing he likes about being a New York Yankee is Don Mattingly.

]The Media: Are They Ganging Up On A-Rod? September 7, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK�The Columbia Sports Journalism Review has released the results of a study initiated in mid-August to investigate whether an increase in news stories such as "K-Rod," "A-Rod Playing Whiff-le Ball," and "Sore Throat KO's A-Rod" constituted "ganging up" on the overpaid, underperforming, and petulant Yankees third-baseman. "After carefully analyzing the content of all 9,463 newspaper and magazine articles criticizing Rodriguez that were printed between August 15 and September 1, we have found neither factual errors nor evidence of reportage exceeding the normal standards of sports journalism," Columbia journalism professor John Dinges said Tuesday. "We also spoke to the reporters who exclusively cover A-Rod's performance for the Kansas City Star, Sacramento Bee, Albuquerque Tribune, and Boston Herald, and we found no appreciable misinterpretations or statistical discrepancies in their twice-daily coverage as that preening jackass continues to shit the bed." The CSJR study concluded by observing that all Rodriguez must do to gain the approval of the press would be to simply lead the Yankees to the World Series, be named MVP, and nail his smarmy mouth shut for good.

]A-Rod Has Some Creative Input On Baseball-Card Photo September 7, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK�Alex Rodriguez announced yesterday that his 2007 Topps Major League Baseball Series 2 baseball-card photo would serve as a statement of the man and player he has become while also remembering the man and player he used to be. "The photo captures me at third base in an athletic position, suggesting that I am extremely focused and ready for anything, as I am in all aspects of my life," Rodriguez said, adding that the angle of the photo, which allows those viewing the card to see fans cheering in the background, is no coincidence. "The photo also suggests, with a hint of Derek Jeter's left foot in the top-left corner of the frame, that my days at shortstop are behind me, although I am of course a team player who is willing to sacrifice himself and put his body on the line every night." Representatives at Topps said Rodriguez was "extremely difficult" to work with, as opposed to rookie Yankee left-fielder Melky Cabrera, who was just happy to be on a baseball card.

]Post-Game Comments Reveal A-Rod Unsure Whether Yankees Won Or Lost September 7, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK�In an interview following Sunday afternoon's Yankees-Twins matchup, Alex Rodriguez's comments seemed to suggest that he was unaware of the game's final outcome. "Both teams played great out there, and players from both teams had some key performances that really swung the momentum in their favors�it's a shame that one team, perhaps the other, had to lose," Rodriguez said in response to a question about what this game means for the Yankees' season. "This game really could've gone either way, instead of the one way in which it went. You've just got to tip your cap to the winning team in this case. For winning. The game." When asked what he thought about rookie Darrell Rasner's performance, Rodriguez said that he "will be a big part of the future of whatever team he plays for."

[Guest Rotblatt]

[Willets Point]

Is it their "Rag on A-Rod" issue or what?

[Guest Rotblatt]

Willets Point wrote: Is it their "Rag on A-Rod" issue or what?

I think it's a dual, "Rag on A-Rod"/"Rag on the Rags" issue.

Although I suspect that there's an extremely bitter Red Sox fan behind their sports page.

Sorry, dude. Wait til next year.

[Frayed Knot]

So am I the only one who finds 'The Onion' stuff to be so simplistic that it barely even rates as sort of funny?

[Guest Edgy DC]

Most Onion laughs come from headlines.

I don't get beating on the Rod at all. Beat on the Yankee fans that treat him like shit.

[Guest OlerudOwned]

As far as Fake Sports News goes, you're better off with SportsPickle than the Onion's section.

[Guest Johnny Dickshot]

I find the print edition of the O a lot funnier than the 'net version: I always read the former, hardly ever bother to look at the latter.

There's just something funnier about seeing satirical news articles in a real newspaper.

[Willets Point]

I think the Onion used to be funnier than it is now, they seem to have grown too big for their britches. The headlines and news in brief bits are generally funnier than full-length articles (where they tend to beat the joke to death).